I have these times lately when all I want to do is talk. I just don't have a lot of people I want to talk to. I don't even know how to feel anymore. Sometimes I try to cry because it seems like it'll be easier, but it never happens unless I don't want it to. I feel like I've lost everything. Or I will. I keep trying to hold it together but it's hard, even in public. And around friends, most of the time I barely have the energy to be okay. I don't know if this is broken... I feel broken. I don't feel like the normal me. Sometimes I feel very me - moving back was the right thing to do - but the normal me is okay. I have always, always been okay. And I feel like if someone looks at me just the right (wrong?) way, or hugs me a little too long, or says something little too true, I will just break down. A friend of mine recently said something about me thinking bottling everything up was cool. I don't. That's not it. But if I let anything go, it's all out there. I can't break only halfway. And I don't think anyone can or wants to be there through that. Maybe I'm not giving my friends enough credit. But right now, I'm tired of being wrong about people. It's stupid and depressing and very immature but I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I'm tired.

Fuck life.

Fuck.

It.

All.

And guess who has trust issues now?

So. Any more changes in this life and I may go insane. I may well have lost James as a friend. Partly because he has hurt me, and partly because I can't seem to forgive him. I have put Teddy through the wringer. I am good at hurting people. I fail at everything else. I need to get that right. And then Teddy and I have a chance. Which I've been wanting more and more, regardless of all my crazy feelings lately. I don't even trust those anymore. They're just all over the place. It sucks not trusting anything or anyone. I've got to fix that.

On another note, I think I get off on being scared.

Can't it stop?

I'm going to lose everything. There's almost no way around it. I'm going to lose one, could easily lose two, and there's a significant possibility that my best friend just isn't going to be available much anymore. I need to pull my life together somehow, but I'm so far beyond that capability that I don't think I can. I don't even know exactly who I can count on to help me. Sure, all my friends would be there for me if I asked, but is anyone really going to want/be able to be there as much as I need them right now? I really don't know. I don't mean to have a total lack of faith in my friends, because they're amazing and they've done more than I could ask, but I'm a lot of work.