God, I love fear. I need it. I get off on it. Not the absolute terror that freezes you immobile in the corner of the couch, but the frenzied panic that accompanies the last minute homework, the second before jumping off the bridge with only a rope tied 'round your ankles, the chance meeting with the one who still twists up your insides. I shouldn't need this. I can't help it. I'm looking up bungee jumping right now. I wanna go. :D

Whoop, no. Solidly broken.

I think my heart is breaking.

I forgot to mention how happy I am here at home. I feel like me again. Wild and hungry for action, crazy for the thrill of flying past the wheat fields in my truck. Mad for the drunken adventures of the nights when we all have time off, and sometimes even when we don't. Here I am rarely satisfied, and desperately seeking something, the substance of which I don't know. And I love it.

So, I'm not going into details about this, but I feel a little safer doing so now, because Teddy is never going to be able to see this, and James never would, and they are the only ones who know of this blog's existence.
I'm falling for somebody. Somebody who's with somebody else. And it can't end well. And as selfish and horrible as it sounds, I hope it's not me. But two people are going to get hurt no matter what.
But god, the falling feels good.

I have these times lately when all I want to do is talk. I just don't have a lot of people I want to talk to. I don't even know how to feel anymore. Sometimes I try to cry because it seems like it'll be easier, but it never happens unless I don't want it to. I feel like I've lost everything. Or I will. I keep trying to hold it together but it's hard, even in public. And around friends, most of the time I barely have the energy to be okay. I don't know if this is broken... I feel broken. I don't feel like the normal me. Sometimes I feel very me - moving back was the right thing to do - but the normal me is okay. I have always, always been okay. And I feel like if someone looks at me just the right (wrong?) way, or hugs me a little too long, or says something little too true, I will just break down. A friend of mine recently said something about me thinking bottling everything up was cool. I don't. That's not it. But if I let anything go, it's all out there. I can't break only halfway. And I don't think anyone can or wants to be there through that. Maybe I'm not giving my friends enough credit. But right now, I'm tired of being wrong about people. It's stupid and depressing and very immature but I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I'm tired.

Fuck life.

Fuck.

It.

All.

And guess who has trust issues now?

So. Any more changes in this life and I may go insane. I may well have lost James as a friend. Partly because he has hurt me, and partly because I can't seem to forgive him. I have put Teddy through the wringer. I am good at hurting people. I fail at everything else. I need to get that right. And then Teddy and I have a chance. Which I've been wanting more and more, regardless of all my crazy feelings lately. I don't even trust those anymore. They're just all over the place. It sucks not trusting anything or anyone. I've got to fix that.

On another note, I think I get off on being scared.

Can't it stop?

I'm going to lose everything. There's almost no way around it. I'm going to lose one, could easily lose two, and there's a significant possibility that my best friend just isn't going to be available much anymore. I need to pull my life together somehow, but I'm so far beyond that capability that I don't think I can. I don't even know exactly who I can count on to help me. Sure, all my friends would be there for me if I asked, but is anyone really going to want/be able to be there as much as I need them right now? I really don't know. I don't mean to have a total lack of faith in my friends, because they're amazing and they've done more than I could ask, but I'm a lot of work.

I never will be, anyway.

Flying always makes me think about things. Like how our bodies can intuitively know what is up and what is down. And how utterly miraculous clouds are. (Seriously. In heaven I want to be able to scoop them up and hold them. Sounds weird, but how awesome would that be?) And whether or not people are actually good. And whether or not I could pull off an acting career.
Flying is so beautiful. It's so completely separate from anything we do on the ground. No matter how close or far you are laterally from something or someone else, being above or below changes things. All different levels are so cut off from the others. Even on top of a mountain, looking below at the lights of a city, it's all so apart. I guess that might not make a lot of sense, but hey, I tried.
I always kind of hold my breath right as the plane starts speeding down the runway. I have to say goodbye. Even if I was on a 30-minute layover in a place I've never been before, I can't leave without trying to slow time and making sure I'm ready to leave. I never am.
Really, I'm never ready for anything when it happens. I can't even imagine being ready. I can't even imagine anyone else being ready. How do people even prepare for things?
I talk too much, you know. Random change, I just realized how much I was rambling.
I get attached to things so quickly. It was silly to think that I could really move to Colorado and expect to have no trouble moving back. I mean, it took me less than a week to make friends with someone I'm going to miss. Now I've got roots there. Not anything like the massive oak tree roots I have at home, but thready, tangly roots that are going to sting if/when I pull them up.
Was I brave to leave? James thinks I was. I don't even know anymore. It seemed like the only option. Maybe I was brave. I don't even know if I want to be brave anymore.
Okay. Never mind. I know. Bravery is the only way to go, bitch. ;)
Music is wonderful, by the way. Listen to this. Be Nike and Just Do It. (heh, heh, heh. I wonder if Nike knew that they were being dirty when they made that their slogan.)
Frozen's "Let It Go"/Vivaldi's "Winter" Mashup - The Piano Guys
I've been listening to that on replay I've-lost-count-how-many times.
I don't want to talk anymore about how scared I am. I want to stop being scared. I don't care if I'm not ready.
I never have been and it's okay.

God, I can't stop writing. I'm overflowing over here. Happy scared thrilled excited so fucking homesick I can't breathe. Does life ever get easier? I always thought I was going to be better able to handle things when I got older, and it isn't, I'm just as childish, and everything is harder now. The injustice of everything that's happening nags at me and every day I just want to scream at the world, at the government, and sometimes at God. I rarely do that. I know I shouldn't. But it's so fucking hard. None of this is fair, and I just want to scream that to everybody, make them fix it, or fucking fix it myself, because it's NOT FAIR.
I want to give up. I'm not this tough. I'm not, I'm not, I'm NOT! Why can't life see that and LEAVE ME THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL ALONE????? I just want to curl up and forget it all.
On a side note, I think I'll have to hire someone to literally drag me kicking and screaming onto the plane to come back here because I don't know if I can do it myself.

I just don't know how to categorize myself.

Every time things get difficult, I want to run. Sometimes just a little. Occasionally a lot. When I was little I ran, almost. I walked out of my house with my brothers, announcing to my parents that we were never coming back. Jeffrey was crying as he said, but he had his stubborn face on. Those two would have followed me to their deaths. Seth even went farther than I did, because Jeffrey and I stopped at the porch, his you-can't-stop-me face melting as he ran back through the door and tackled my mom where she sat in her chair. I yelled at Seth to come back and then jumped on my mom's lap, crying and saying that I'd never run away again.

Funny thing is, I didn't. My dad ran out to get Seth, who was really quite intent on leaving and had made it to the edge of the road, hesitating. And no matter how goth and angsty and depressed I got during my teen years, and no matter how much I thought I hated my parents, and how badly I cut, I never ran away. I nearly killed myself, once on purpose, once because I just didn't realize at the time how far I was going, but I never ran.

I want to run now. You know those times when you know you're doing something wrong and everything good inside you is screaming? Well, everything is screaming right now, except I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong. I just know it's not good for me. But I don't know if that matters, if it means Teddy is okay. Isn't helping someone survive a good enough reason to do something you don't want? I always thought so. I still do. But it's getting more and more difficult. (Random fact - I say difficult instead of hard if I'm trying to be serious or have someone take me seriously.) I can't stop thinking about going home. I finally got my plane ticket to visit and I can't stop thinking about it. I dreamt about it last night again. (Blogger says "dreamt" is not a word, but trust me, it is. I read a lot. Look it up, Bloggerbitch.) I'm aching to go back - it physically hurts sometimes, and I've never been good at waiting - and it's going to take everything I have to get on the plane to come back here.

But going home for even a week is going to be amazing. I can't stop thinking about it.

But am I a runner or aren't I?

I can't... stop... MISSING HOME! It hurts too much.

Stupid title. Because it feels incomplete without a title but I'm too ornery to come up with one.

I want to go home. I miss everything so much. I'm not good at being here; all I do is miss my friends and my old life. I miss it at work and when I'm out with friends here and when I'm doing homework, and now, for the first time in my life, my thoughts influence my dreams, because I dream I'm home a lot, or about to go home.
It's no way to live.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, writing. It feels familiar but at the same time, so strange, because I know the second I step outside I'll be in Colorado instead of Washington. I'm in this tiny boat of familiarity in a sea of homesickness. (heh, how's that for a cheesy metaphor?) But I might be going home soon. :)
Let Go - Frou Frou
This is my song of choice at the moment. It will probably always feel weird to me to be able to hear something when no one else can. I'm listening and watching everyone else; all these people full of life while I sit here stagnant.
Hear Me Out by the same group is also really good.
I used to sit in the Atlas and write on this blog, long, rambling posts about how wonderful and strange life was. I couldn't imagine that someday I might see those same crazy quirks as something that took me away from my home to a much less magical place.
Although, let's be honest, we can blame a lot of that on me. I left. I didn't need to. I didn't even want to. I did it for someone else, because I couldn't stomach the thought of letting anyone go through that alone. I don't know where the line is between "really nice" and "doormat", but I imagine I've crossed it.
Odd how unlike me that is.
Radio - He Is We
My "basically best" friend from home just sent me that, to show me what "girly" was. I miss James dreadfully, perhaps the most of all my friends. But not more than my little sister. :(
Starlight - Muse
A bit of a flashback, and also something to make me feel better, because this song, without fail, always makes me feel better. Not sure why. The first part is just so damn cheerful.
I'm about to give someone the address to this blog.
James, don't abuse it!

Hey. I'm here again. Did you forget me? I don't blame you. I may have forgotten me a little.
I've forgotten how I used to be when I was happy. I was listening to some music on one of my old lists, and it was like I was there again, except I was sad that I wasn't there anymore.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..."

What am I doing here? I'm with my fiance. I'm engaged to Teddy, did I mention that? And I don't know if I belong here. I love him, but I don't know that I love life with him. Can I change that?
I don't want to think about what happens if I can't. I can't break any more hearts, mine or his. I've done too much of that.
The number of people I've hurt overwhelms me.
I moved about a thousand miles away. And I miss everyone, and my old self most of all.