I am so tired... I was up until about 2 last night studying for my differential equations test. I took a nap around 11 and slept until 12:30, so I really shouldn't be tired, but I am.
Teddy is amazing, btw. I've been pretty awful to him the past few days, and I think he was baffled. Can hardly blame him, the way I treated him.
I don't want to think about this summer.

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"Little darlin', it's been a long cold lonely winter." I love the music they're playing right now. And things with Teddy are going wonderfully, and did I mention that he is wonderful? We got a tad bit tipsy yesterday - I should say, I did. Anyway, I was stumbling behind him in the swampy part of the park, and he said that the main reason he broke up with me was that he wanted to be single a little bit longer. He wanted me for long-term though. In other words, he wants me in the end. What will happen until then, I don't know.
But I'm happy. :) I'm with him right now, and we both want eachother in the end. It'll all be okay.

Teddy is amazing. I know he thinks he's just not worth it, but he is. He always asks me why I put up with him. I hope he knows that "putting up" with him, if that's what you want to call it, is not hard. I "put up" with him because I love him. He is the most wonderful guy in the world, and I hope someday he sees that.

I am so tired. I need coffee. I have a Calc III test today. All very good reasons why I should quit school right now and go to bed for the rest of my life.

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I should get better about writing in my journal - but see, the only journal I have right now is a story about me and Teddy, and I don't want to mess it up with other stuff. I know this blog isn't entirely private. In fact, Teddy found it once. But he doesn't read it without my permission, which I don't often give. And I know he won't peek at it otherwise, even if he gets tempted. So I'm going to gush a little bit here.
Teddy is amazing. He's strong, stubborn, and damn is he sexy. He works hard, he's smart, and he plays piano like a boss. In fact, if you don't believe me, here's his Facebook page.
Mountain Strength Piano
Anyway. He's pretty cool. And I love him. And he loves me. And he's happy to be with me. Gaaaahhh!!!!! :D :D

A tale of confusion and ecstasy

I have now had a boyfriend for three days. That sounds like the remark of a pathetic, eager, never-been-loved-before girl, but I'm trying to absorb it. It's harder to believe than when I first started going out with Teddy. I mean, then, I knew it was a possibility that he would become my boyfriend. It wasn't entirely implausible. But this time, I was positive it wouldn't happen. Sure, towards the end of the last couple of weeks he hugged me more, kissed me more, said he loved me - but he also said when he got back from break that there was almost no chance. At that point, I kind of gave up. Yeah, we hung out still, but neither of us could let go. I figured it was only a matter of time before one of us pushed the other away, and I hoped it would be me.
Then, on Sunday morning, I sneaked into the bathroom while he was showering. (Sounds weird for two people who have broken up, but nothing physical really changed between us. Old habits are hard to break.) When he got dressed, he said I was beautiful. I said he was nuts. "Yeah, nuts for letting you get away. ;)" I think I kind of just stared at him, shocked - and then he said more quietly,"I don't think we're done yet", echoing the words I spoke several days before while walking downtown. Then, he whispered his old nickname for me in my ear and walked out of the bathroom. This nickname - I won't tell you what it is, but it is only something you would ever call a girl you wanted to marry, or had at least considered marrying. And he hasn't called me by it in months.
He seems pretty happy to be with me now. I am too. A little shell-shocked, but that's going away and I love being his girlfriend. :)

I'm very content.

I feel like singing, or writing, or painting, or running - anything that's creative or active, really. Teddy is back. He is my boyfriend again. :D I think he means it this time. Not that he didn't last time, but... we got back too fast. Now, he's more sure. In fact, from some of the stuff he's been saying, he's a lot more sure.
Anyway. We'll see what happens. :)

I am going insane. GOD I miss Teddy. I wish we had never broken up. I can't even look on it as a good thing anymore. I know it's complicated but I just wish I knew the right move to make, and I miss him so much. I wonder if he even knows, and if he misses me like this.

Last day as a teen. I feel a little sad, now that I'm less than an hour away from being 20. I have homework to submit by midnight, but here I am.
And here it is. :)

Pretty happy right now...

Wow, life is weird. But good! I'm happy!
1. There's this guy at school... His name is Lucas. And he's cute. Smart. Interesting. Interested, from what I can tell. A little younger than me - two years actually - but it doesn't matter, because he acts older and I'm not thinking of getting serious anyway.
2. While it may seem weird to talk about Teddy right after talking about Lucas, it's going alright with Teddy too. I love him. I really do. And I miss being his girlfriend. A lot. But it's not going to happen right now, and dealing with that is getting a little easier. I don't feel like we're done yet. But for now it's not going to happen, and as long as he's still part of my life, I can deal with that. I can wait.
3. I love my new job. I tutor math and english, and more than ever, I feel like I'm in the right field. It's a pretty good, very rare feeling.
4. I'm just having a good time right now. Lot's of people. It's hard to make time for everyone.

And I wax philosophical... raspberries. ;)

I am over-thinking everything. Why worry so much? Teddy loves me, I love him, we have fun. For now, everything is okay. Obviously, there are some complicating factors, and at some point things will have to change one way or another. But there is nothing to stop us from being happy right now. :) It will all be okay, someday, somehow.