Man I'm in love with Teddy.  I'm hoping too much - I know I am - but I can't help it, and maybe someday everything will work out well.  It happens for some people.  No particular reason it couldn't happen to me, right?  I want him to be happy too though.  But I promise, if somehow we got back together, I would never hurt him again.  I would treat him so much better!  He deserves better.  I love him, and I have the best time hanging out with him.
I've 95% decided that I'm going to California this summer.  I'm kind of excited.

Hopeful feelings, silly me.

So... I got a B on my math test. :(  After a 97.5% on my first.  I hope Teddy did well on his physics test.  I really do.  I want him to do well.  I want him to destress a little.  This weekend will hopefully be good for that.  He really needs some downtime.  I wonder if he would let me take him camping... There's an idea, as long as we could manage not to sleep together.
He called me late last night.  He said he was sorry for earlier, when he got mad.  I love when he calls me late at night, because he's always much more open.  He doesn't have nearly as much of a problem telling me what's going on.  I love that guy.

So, there's a guy openly carrying a huge knife at school...

I approve of knives but that's not smart.
I don't know where to begin.  Chronologically makes the most sense, I guess...
To begin with, and this is for me more than anybody who reads this, I'm okay.  Everything will work out.  I honestly believe that.
I got drunk at work last Saturday.  They had these fruity drinks, and there was leftover stuff in the dispensers, so I had some and scooped some fruit out of the top.  It tasted kind of weird, but I finished it and then asked if there was alcohol in the mix.  My supervisor said yes, there was sangria in there.  That's where I started the stupid part.  I drank a lot of that stuff.  It wasn't incredibly alcoholic, but I hadn't eaten anything since that morning and I did drink quite a lot - 3 or 4 large glasses - and I got a little buzzed.  I called Ben when I got the chance.  He was furious.  I had felt pretty good until then. After that I just felt like an idiot.
I feel like an idiot now too.  For other things.  And I'm sorry but instead of a chronological list you get just this one episode because I don't feel like writing.

I need a drink.

They just HAVE to be playing country music in the SAC.  I can't stop thinking about Teddy.  We got back together on Friday.  Then, on Sunday, he said maybe we got together too soon and he needed more time.  I haven't told a soul.  I don't know if he has either.  Most people didn't know we'd gotten back together.  As far as I know, all those who knew don't know that we're apart again.  I'm feeling a lot better about us, never mind why.  It would take a long time to explain.  But I do miss him.  We'll be going snowboarding this weekend, and then after that, he wants to take a month.  Don't know how I'll manage that.  But I'll have to, at least if it turns out that he can manage that.  I'm confused about a lot of things.  I haven't really been truly myself since before Riley.  But I do know that I want him.
Faith and God (and the knowledge that Teddy still loves me and misses me as much as I miss him) is what is carrying me through this week.
I love that guy.

It's not silly to hope

There are days when it is stupid to hope.  And then there are days when the signs are so clear, so out there, that it would be stupid not to hope.  Today was one of those days, and I'm scared to hope.  I'm so sure of it though.  He looked so happy today.  Beautiful guy.  Not weirdly beautiful, like a gay guy, but beautiful because I know him.  I know his every expression, and his voice when he wakes up in the morning, and his gestures, and the smoothness of his back, and the softness of his face, and the realness of him.  He is so real.  You know, in your imagination, everything is perfect, but in real life, there's so much depth, and it feels so good, so strange to have someone who is not you be so much a part of you.
Perhaps...
Perhaps more news tomorrow. ;)

I miss him so much.  I knew stuff like this hurt but this is so much worse than I thought it would be.  We're taking a week away from each other.  He says it will help him.  I hope so.  I should be unselfish and hope that above all else, he finds what he wants.  But I can't help my selfishness - I am no angel.  I hope he finds that he wants me.
Now, to do something that involves no thinking of him whatsoever.