Luckiest girl in the world

It's happening, and I am beyond excited. I miss Teddy so badly. And it's unbelievable, how much things have changed. I waited so long. I didn't think it would happen; I was so sure by the end that he wasn't going to come back. I actually gave up. I was 85% certain that when I visited him I was going to tell him I didn't want to be with him.
Instead, I fell in love again. I told him I couldn't wait anymore, and he came through. We're dating now, happier than ever, and it amazes me. I think it always will.

I'm not really so scared anymore. I was freaking out for a while because at first, I was so sure Teddy would change his mind within a week, and then, I was worried he was too serious - that he would want to get married within the next year.
Well, I am less worried about that now.... and also more okay with it. That's right, I'm falling in love again. And it's amazing. Pretty happy with that guy, and I can't wait to move in with him. :D

Teddy and I are back together. And I am moving in with him. Miles and miles away from where I live now. Yes, I'm scared. But excited. And I miss him so much. <3 Crazy wonderful man.

A hope...

Well, I'm trying to get my toughness back. In the event that things work out between me and Teddy, I can probably go back to normal. But in case it doesn't... I need something, because I honestly don't know what I'll do without him. Crazy man.
Yesterday morning when I woke up, something felt off. I went down the list (you know how that happens) and it felt like something about Teddy, but I wasn't sure. But I think I figured it out finally. I didn't think Teddy cared. And he does. I know he does now. I know sometime in the next month I'll probably doubt it again, but for now, I know it.
And as terrible as it will be if I lose him, at least we will somehow stay friends.
But I really hope we're more than that.

Turning it around...

Life has, of late, been kicking my ass. Things are not going well with Teddy, I've got too many clues as to what I want to do (and I can't follow all of them), money is extremely tight, and my best friend is increasingly too busy for me.
BUT. I just volunteered at the Sabbath school, I'm GOING to make it into college somehow, and my teeth are getting fixed, and I just started writing again, and I love Teddy and he loves me (he really does, and sometimes it's nice to just think about that) and I KNOW we can fix what's wrong, if only he wants to.

Terrified...

I am so so scared. I really don't think I have ever been this scared in my life. I feel dizzy and sick and I don't even know what to do. And the worst part is the waiting. I didn't sleep last night - I couldn't. Dear God, let everything be okay.

Timing. Haven't quite got it yet.

Oh wow do I ever need to write. Way too much happened today. And seriously? During finals week?
Well, to begin with, I tried talking to Teddy about this summer. Bad idea. BAD BAD BAD BAD IDEA. There should have been warning lights for that one. Heck, the entire day should have had warning lights. "WARNING! DANGER! MONDAY DEFECTIVE! AVOID CONTACT!"
Anyway, Teddy and I had the worst moment we've had in a while.
After that, I hung out with Marie for a while. I texted her, hoping she was free, because frankly I really needed somebody to talk to. We talked and studied for a while, and then I texted Teddy, asking for his notes for a class I needed to write a paper for. (Still working on that paper, actually.) I met up with him, apologized for bringing up the subject, and we hugged and agreed to work it out after finals.
After that, I went to pick up my brother from school, and we played foosball there. Lucas had texted me about the test we have together, and he came and played foosball with us. After that, we walked down by the river and took off our shoes and waded. My brother started skipping rocks. At this point, Lucas started getting really flirty. I mean, he's been flirty before, even to the point of grabbing my arms to make a point (which I'm uncomfortable with, but you can't say that because it sounds like you're making assumptions - I just got out of his grip as soon I could), but never quite like this. He kept grabbing my waist to keep me from falling in the water or to try to push me in, alternately. After a while of this, I said we had to leave. My brother was hungry anyway, which made a wonderful excuse. Once we were in the car, he started talking about how I need to be careful around Lucas, because he definitely likes me, and I might give him the wrong idea. I texted Lucas saying I was sorry if I seemed like I was flirting, I didn't mean to give the wrong impression. I then called Teddy and asked if he had a minute to talk, because I was on my way to his dorm. I told him everything. I must have sounded pretty panicky - I felt panicky. I was so sure he'd be mad. I mean, I knew this guy liked me and did that stop me from hanging out with him? No. Because some days I am just that stupid. Anyway, Teddy was wonderful. He hugged and kissed me and wasn't mad at all. He said it wasn't my fault! Frankly, it's really weird to hear that something's not my fault. I love it. :) I didn't stay long. I had to get home and work. But I felt a lot better after that.
I texted Lucas for a while after that. His texts were very muddled. I'm not sure what he was saying. But I don't think that even if I wanted to, we will be hanging out again. I'm actually pretty sad. He was a good friend. I don't like losing friends.
Later, Teddy called. Among other things, he said he trusts me! I mean, I sort of knew that, but it's one of those things that's really nice to hear. I love that guy so much.
Last thing - I got a 98% on my Calc III test from last Friday. Highest grade I've gotten on anything this year. :) Now, I've got a long night ahead, one that threatens to stretch until late morning. So I'm off the blog and on the job. Goodnight, to whoever is reading this.

Summer!!!!

I have to admit, as apprehensive as I am about certain things, I am excited for summer. I get to go back to my nursing home job, I move out of my house, and it will be so nice for one quarter not to have to worry about school!!

Teddy's awesome!!!!!!

I have an amazing boyfriend. :D And if I could yell that to every person in the world, I would.

If I controlled time...

1. First of all, that would be awesome. I'd visit the 1800s and scandalize Victorian society.
2. I'd slip in a few extra weeks of time with Ben. And there has to be some way to make money with time travel so he wouldn't have to worry about losing money by staying here.
3. I just have to say, I'd be a freakin' badass Doctor.

I'm not looking forward to the end of the quarter. I want school to be over so bad but I'm not ready for the summer. I wish Teddy and I could somehow stay in the same place. It would make things so much simpler and easier. I wish our talk was over with already, and at the same time I want to put it off forever.

Never again.

Uggh. Last night I was an idiot. Everything was fantastic until I started smoking weed with Teddy and a friend of his. I was okay for a while, but then Teddy started going on about how these other girls were so hot (he doesn't exactly have a mouth filter when he's high) and I started getting intermittently pissed off. Then I calmed down and wasn't mad anymore, but I started crying about my parents. I wasn't even going to tell Teddy about the possible separation. He said it's okay and I can tell him everything, but still. Anyway, bottom line - I should avoid weed. It makes me act like a bitch.

Cleaning house

My parents have been getting into a lot of fights lately. The worst was last Friday night (now the Katy Perry song is running through my head). I was cleaning the bathrooms, and I moved the toothbrushes around so I could clean around them and all that, and naturally all the toothbrushes got jumbled together - including my dad's. Now, if we had only one toothbrush per person, it wouldn't be so difficult for me to sort them out, but we have about thirty-odd toothbrushes in the main bathroom alone. So I went around the house asking people which was their toothbrush, with the idea that I would just bleach and bag the rest of them (goodness knows why we save so many toothbrushes - we'll never in this lifetime or the next use them all for any purpose that I can think of). When I asked my dad which was his, he said, "You have got to be shitting me" and started swearing up and down. I kind of lost it; I was the only one cleaning and the house was a wreck. I was sick of all of it. So I threw the toothbrushes all over the hallway. My mom walked me outside, and we leaned against the Mazda and I just started cussing Dad out. I couldn't shut up. I went on and on about how dirty the house was and those 8 cats that we own that he would hardly let outside and those 8 cars - most of which don't even work and aren't being fixed - that he kept in our driveway and for goodness' sake couldn't he ever let anyone be? Mom didn't even stop me from calling him a fucking asshole - which I did several times. After we went in, she dragged him outside and they had a huge fight. They were yelling and swearing and my mom kicked the garage door and dented it because she was so mad. She went into her room and slammed the door. After about five minutes I went back there and knocked, and she let me in. She told me she wanted to move out. I didn't think she would. I know she loves my dad. But still, I've never heard her say anything like that seriously, and it freaked me out. That was the big event of the night, although the chaos continued until after I went to bed. I never figured out why, but my brother ran crying out of the house, and my sister was yelling about something, and my mom and dad argued off and on for the rest of the night. When I woke up the next morning, my dad had left for a black belt workout several hours away, and my mom had stayed home, even though they had originally planned to go together. That night when he got back, he brought roses for my mom, and it seemed like they were okay. They haven't had anything nearly as serious since then, but it's never peaceful at my house, and I'm worried.
I haven't even attempted to clean the house since then. Tomorrow I'll try again.

I need to figure out how to say what I want to say to Teddy. For a while, we were both okay with the idea of taking a break over the summer. But I'm really not as okay with it now. I could handle it, yes, if I knew for sure that we would be together again at the end of the summer. But not only is there no guarantee of that, the fact that he could date anybody else would drive me crazy. I understand that he may not be ready to be committed. I don't exactly know how to bring this up to him (and I don't plan to for another few weeks) but we love eachother and we're happy together and I just don't think that taking a break is worth the risk of losing him.

Life is really just wonderful right now. I'm working out again - that's definitely part of my mood lifter - and I'm dating Teddy again. Gosh, that guy is wonderful. He makes me so happy.
I am so tired though!!!!!!! Half of what I do surprises me because it doesn't feel real! I've gotten a total of about 9 hours in the past three nights!! Not enough!!!!!

I flew an airplane today. I am sunburned and so, so happy. :)

There is something to be said for functionality.

I have become a lot more... calm, I guess, in regards to my relationship with Teddy. At the beginning, it was really hard to trust him - not that he would ever do anything, but why on earth did he ask me out again, anyway? And did he actually want to make it work? But now, instead of talking about breaking up over the summer, he's saying stuff about how we feel more like a couple now to him. And to be honest, we do. It's actually amazing - I didn't know how cool it could be to be in love with an amazing guy and know that nothing bad is going to happen just because you don't see eachother for a couple days. We still don't know what will happen this summer - we're leaving it until later to decide. But I think that either way, we'll be okay. :) And did I mention, he loves me? :D
Ooooohh, I thought I was done writing but I'm not. I'm at the Tutoring Center - I work there now, as a math and writing tutor - and I'm bored, even though I have homework to do.
I'm going to be staying here this summer. I'm not that upset - I'm actually kind of excited. I'll probably be working at my old job part time, plus tutoring, plus housecleaning - whatever I can pick up, but Olivia will be here for the summer too - first time in years that my best friend has been with me for the summer - and so is Annelise and a bunch of other friends. It's going to be a good summer. :)

I am so tired... I was up until about 2 last night studying for my differential equations test. I took a nap around 11 and slept until 12:30, so I really shouldn't be tired, but I am.
Teddy is amazing, btw. I've been pretty awful to him the past few days, and I think he was baffled. Can hardly blame him, the way I treated him.
I don't want to think about this summer.

News

"Little darlin', it's been a long cold lonely winter." I love the music they're playing right now. And things with Teddy are going wonderfully, and did I mention that he is wonderful? We got a tad bit tipsy yesterday - I should say, I did. Anyway, I was stumbling behind him in the swampy part of the park, and he said that the main reason he broke up with me was that he wanted to be single a little bit longer. He wanted me for long-term though. In other words, he wants me in the end. What will happen until then, I don't know.
But I'm happy. :) I'm with him right now, and we both want eachother in the end. It'll all be okay.

Teddy is amazing. I know he thinks he's just not worth it, but he is. He always asks me why I put up with him. I hope he knows that "putting up" with him, if that's what you want to call it, is not hard. I "put up" with him because I love him. He is the most wonderful guy in the world, and I hope someday he sees that.

I am so tired. I need coffee. I have a Calc III test today. All very good reasons why I should quit school right now and go to bed for the rest of my life.

An advertisement

I should get better about writing in my journal - but see, the only journal I have right now is a story about me and Teddy, and I don't want to mess it up with other stuff. I know this blog isn't entirely private. In fact, Teddy found it once. But he doesn't read it without my permission, which I don't often give. And I know he won't peek at it otherwise, even if he gets tempted. So I'm going to gush a little bit here.
Teddy is amazing. He's strong, stubborn, and damn is he sexy. He works hard, he's smart, and he plays piano like a boss. In fact, if you don't believe me, here's his Facebook page.
Mountain Strength Piano
Anyway. He's pretty cool. And I love him. And he loves me. And he's happy to be with me. Gaaaahhh!!!!! :D :D

A tale of confusion and ecstasy

I have now had a boyfriend for three days. That sounds like the remark of a pathetic, eager, never-been-loved-before girl, but I'm trying to absorb it. It's harder to believe than when I first started going out with Teddy. I mean, then, I knew it was a possibility that he would become my boyfriend. It wasn't entirely implausible. But this time, I was positive it wouldn't happen. Sure, towards the end of the last couple of weeks he hugged me more, kissed me more, said he loved me - but he also said when he got back from break that there was almost no chance. At that point, I kind of gave up. Yeah, we hung out still, but neither of us could let go. I figured it was only a matter of time before one of us pushed the other away, and I hoped it would be me.
Then, on Sunday morning, I sneaked into the bathroom while he was showering. (Sounds weird for two people who have broken up, but nothing physical really changed between us. Old habits are hard to break.) When he got dressed, he said I was beautiful. I said he was nuts. "Yeah, nuts for letting you get away. ;)" I think I kind of just stared at him, shocked - and then he said more quietly,"I don't think we're done yet", echoing the words I spoke several days before while walking downtown. Then, he whispered his old nickname for me in my ear and walked out of the bathroom. This nickname - I won't tell you what it is, but it is only something you would ever call a girl you wanted to marry, or had at least considered marrying. And he hasn't called me by it in months.
He seems pretty happy to be with me now. I am too. A little shell-shocked, but that's going away and I love being his girlfriend. :)

I'm very content.

I feel like singing, or writing, or painting, or running - anything that's creative or active, really. Teddy is back. He is my boyfriend again. :D I think he means it this time. Not that he didn't last time, but... we got back too fast. Now, he's more sure. In fact, from some of the stuff he's been saying, he's a lot more sure.
Anyway. We'll see what happens. :)

I am going insane. GOD I miss Teddy. I wish we had never broken up. I can't even look on it as a good thing anymore. I know it's complicated but I just wish I knew the right move to make, and I miss him so much. I wonder if he even knows, and if he misses me like this.

Last day as a teen. I feel a little sad, now that I'm less than an hour away from being 20. I have homework to submit by midnight, but here I am.
And here it is. :)

Pretty happy right now...

Wow, life is weird. But good! I'm happy!
1. There's this guy at school... His name is Lucas. And he's cute. Smart. Interesting. Interested, from what I can tell. A little younger than me - two years actually - but it doesn't matter, because he acts older and I'm not thinking of getting serious anyway.
2. While it may seem weird to talk about Teddy right after talking about Lucas, it's going alright with Teddy too. I love him. I really do. And I miss being his girlfriend. A lot. But it's not going to happen right now, and dealing with that is getting a little easier. I don't feel like we're done yet. But for now it's not going to happen, and as long as he's still part of my life, I can deal with that. I can wait.
3. I love my new job. I tutor math and english, and more than ever, I feel like I'm in the right field. It's a pretty good, very rare feeling.
4. I'm just having a good time right now. Lot's of people. It's hard to make time for everyone.

And I wax philosophical... raspberries. ;)

I am over-thinking everything. Why worry so much? Teddy loves me, I love him, we have fun. For now, everything is okay. Obviously, there are some complicating factors, and at some point things will have to change one way or another. But there is nothing to stop us from being happy right now. :) It will all be okay, someday, somehow.

Spring Break, Day 1

I am TIRED!  But it's absolutely beautiful here.  I miss Teddy!  I am trying not to think about anything like that, and I'm having fun here so it's not so bad.  But I do hope he misses me, and is getting his needed thinking time.  I need to go to bed so this is all I'm writing for now, but there should be more, plus maybe a picture or two, tomorrow. :)

I'm feeling sad.  It's my own fault.  I looked at the texts document again.  Teddy said stuff so often about how sure he was, and how he would never give me up.  I know he didn't necessarily lie but he didn't know himself well enough, or at least he ignored it.  Dear God, keep him safe over break, and help both of us understand what to do, PLEASE.
In Your holy name,
Amen

Ben, I doubt you're reading this but if you are, HI! And stop reading.

I NEED SPRING BREAK SO BAD!!!!!!  I just need some time to think!  I do love Ben and I do think it would be worth it to date, but what I need to figure out is if he actually would be willing (based off of what I've seen and heard from him lately) to try, and wouldn't regret giving up other girls for a while.  And I need a clear, well-rested brain to do that, and I can't do that until finals are over!

A rant for Teddy and too bad he'll never read it.

Teddy, you are crazy.  You drive me crazy.  How am I supposed to follow what goes through your head?  You do things that make absolutely no sense!!  You say one thing one day and another the next.  You go back and forth so fast I don't even have a chance to breathe!  Can't you just STOP OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING and give this a chance to be uncomplicated???
I love you and I'm not freaking out anymore but this mood change is exhausting!

Pondering is a ponderous word.

I have a theory that says Teddy, despite his admitted commitment issues, doesn't want to let me out of his life anytime soon. To prove that though, I have to let go and see what happens. And I have letting go issues. I haven't figured out yet what I'll do.

Man I'm in love with Teddy.  I'm hoping too much - I know I am - but I can't help it, and maybe someday everything will work out well.  It happens for some people.  No particular reason it couldn't happen to me, right?  I want him to be happy too though.  But I promise, if somehow we got back together, I would never hurt him again.  I would treat him so much better!  He deserves better.  I love him, and I have the best time hanging out with him.
I've 95% decided that I'm going to California this summer.  I'm kind of excited.

Hopeful feelings, silly me.

So... I got a B on my math test. :(  After a 97.5% on my first.  I hope Teddy did well on his physics test.  I really do.  I want him to do well.  I want him to destress a little.  This weekend will hopefully be good for that.  He really needs some downtime.  I wonder if he would let me take him camping... There's an idea, as long as we could manage not to sleep together.
He called me late last night.  He said he was sorry for earlier, when he got mad.  I love when he calls me late at night, because he's always much more open.  He doesn't have nearly as much of a problem telling me what's going on.  I love that guy.

So, there's a guy openly carrying a huge knife at school...

I approve of knives but that's not smart.
I don't know where to begin.  Chronologically makes the most sense, I guess...
To begin with, and this is for me more than anybody who reads this, I'm okay.  Everything will work out.  I honestly believe that.
I got drunk at work last Saturday.  They had these fruity drinks, and there was leftover stuff in the dispensers, so I had some and scooped some fruit out of the top.  It tasted kind of weird, but I finished it and then asked if there was alcohol in the mix.  My supervisor said yes, there was sangria in there.  That's where I started the stupid part.  I drank a lot of that stuff.  It wasn't incredibly alcoholic, but I hadn't eaten anything since that morning and I did drink quite a lot - 3 or 4 large glasses - and I got a little buzzed.  I called Ben when I got the chance.  He was furious.  I had felt pretty good until then. After that I just felt like an idiot.
I feel like an idiot now too.  For other things.  And I'm sorry but instead of a chronological list you get just this one episode because I don't feel like writing.

I need a drink.

They just HAVE to be playing country music in the SAC.  I can't stop thinking about Teddy.  We got back together on Friday.  Then, on Sunday, he said maybe we got together too soon and he needed more time.  I haven't told a soul.  I don't know if he has either.  Most people didn't know we'd gotten back together.  As far as I know, all those who knew don't know that we're apart again.  I'm feeling a lot better about us, never mind why.  It would take a long time to explain.  But I do miss him.  We'll be going snowboarding this weekend, and then after that, he wants to take a month.  Don't know how I'll manage that.  But I'll have to, at least if it turns out that he can manage that.  I'm confused about a lot of things.  I haven't really been truly myself since before Riley.  But I do know that I want him.
Faith and God (and the knowledge that Teddy still loves me and misses me as much as I miss him) is what is carrying me through this week.
I love that guy.

It's not silly to hope

There are days when it is stupid to hope.  And then there are days when the signs are so clear, so out there, that it would be stupid not to hope.  Today was one of those days, and I'm scared to hope.  I'm so sure of it though.  He looked so happy today.  Beautiful guy.  Not weirdly beautiful, like a gay guy, but beautiful because I know him.  I know his every expression, and his voice when he wakes up in the morning, and his gestures, and the smoothness of his back, and the softness of his face, and the realness of him.  He is so real.  You know, in your imagination, everything is perfect, but in real life, there's so much depth, and it feels so good, so strange to have someone who is not you be so much a part of you.
Perhaps...
Perhaps more news tomorrow. ;)

I miss him so much.  I knew stuff like this hurt but this is so much worse than I thought it would be.  We're taking a week away from each other.  He says it will help him.  I hope so.  I should be unselfish and hope that above all else, he finds what he wants.  But I can't help my selfishness - I am no angel.  I hope he finds that he wants me.
Now, to do something that involves no thinking of him whatsoever.

I've been better.

Well, we broke up.  Maybe not for good, but I'm scared to hope.
Not that that's ever stopped me. :)

I want...

I want love.
I want a nice house in the country, with a vegetable garden and place outside just for me and my flowers.
I want children.  I would actually be perfectly okay with only two.  I want to teach them that painting is one of the coolest things you can ever do.
I want a life where I can be gay and happy and sunshine-cheerful and nobody thinks I'm crazy for it.