Make me move, I dare you.

Oh God, I miss dancing.  So, so much.  I don't know how to tell Teddy that - I'm not sure if he would understand - but I have to dance again.  It's driving me crazy.  I really can't even describe it - you forget that there are even other people in the room.  It's just you and the music and time doesn't seem to move.  And the faster the music, the better.

BLAGH.

I am a mess.  Probably never told you that.  An utter disaster.
Here's an update.
1. I'm failing school.  I'm putting in a petition for next quarter, so that I can stay.  I have two advocates, which is nice.  If I get to stay, I'm pretty excited about next quarter.  I have really great classes.
2. I have no idea what to do with my life.  I am so screwed-up.
3. Teddy is amazing.  And we are getting married.  I guess I never mentioned this, but I had a pretty big pregnancy scare, and when it was over, he told me that he wanted to get married.  Even though I'm not pregnant.  And we're still not getting married right away.  But someday.
4. I have to bake a wedding cake for an idiot bitch.  Today.
5. I'm very tired right now so none of this has any degree of emotion.
6. #5 isn't really true.  I love Teddy so much.

Just procrastinating a little...

So, howdy there.
I just watched my first EVER football game, and what a game to start out with.  The Broncos were fantastic.  Seriously, they made NFL history tonight and it was epic.  I caught myself screaming a couple of times.
Things between Teddy and I are... well, a little less stressful, to say the least.  We aren't really engaged anymore.  Definitely still dating though, and definitely still thinking about it.  We just realized we can't possibly know already.  Man, I love that guy.  And to be honest, I'm sure.  I still want to marry him.  My mind's not changing.  I know he loves me.  But he's so convinced that he's not good enough and that he won't make me happy in the end.  I wish I could change that.
Also, I have a physics test in about 7 hours and two more tests the next day.
RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good grief...

Well, this summer has been weird.  And long.  And stressful.  Teddy and I have been fighting a lot.  I mean, it seems like a lot to me.  In reality, it's no more than once every couple of weeks.  It was slightly more often for a while.  Teddy does not exactly care for Riley.  I guess that made it difficult.
Speaking of which...
Riley and I aren't friends anymore.  It was just getting to be too much.  Teddy was constantly on edge, and it's not like Riley and I were great friends anymore, so I told him that I wished him the best, but I didn't want to be friends anymore.
Things aren't incredibly great between Teddy and I.  We'll be okay.  He's tired a lot, and I can be patient.  But I hate it.  I don't really want to talk much about it.  But everything will be a lot better when he gets back here.  We don't really fight around each other; only when we're on the phone.
And for goodness sakes, my parents are driving me crazy.  I need school to start.

Searching the Titanic..

SO, I'm sort of engaged.  I don't really feel any different.  I mean, in a way I do, but in another way... Teddy and I have been planning to get married for almost two months.  It just wasn't official yet.  I haven't told my parents.  He hasn't told his.  He wants to ask my dad before we make it public, and my dad won't be okay with it for at least a year.  And his parents... well, he didn't want to say anything before they met me.
New subject - I'm looking at marine archaeology as a career.  Yeah.  I don't think I'll ever know what to do.

Listen to me gush...

Well, first off, Ace is okay.  It was over a girl, and he was fine the next day.
Second, Teddy's gone for the summer.  The last two nights before he left were amazing.  We spent the four days after finals at my parents house, and the last two, we ended up falling asleep in bed together.  There was nothing sexual about it, it was just... wonderful.
Third, I failed my first class.  My first - I cringe at this - three classes.  All my fault, needless to say.
Fourth, I changed my major.  Again.  The lady who works there knows me now.  Anyway, I changed to education with a minor in math, history, and religion.  I'll be moving to _______ with Teddy after we get married.  Sadly that will be a while; he has subsidy which goes away if he gets married.
I love him so much.

Curious

I don't know what's wrong, but something is.  Not with me, not with Teddy, but with Ace.  (BTW, did I ever mention that Teddy and Ace are roommates?)  Anyway, I guess he walked into their room a bit ago, "bawling his eyes out", and not willing to talk.  I really hope he's okay.
It seems I never write unless something is wrong.  I find it difficult to write when everything is so wonderful.  Everything IS wonderful - for me and Teddy.  We've talked about getting married.  I know, imagine - me in love.  So in love that marriage talk doesn't scare me off.  I never imagined this would happen... and certainly not with him, but it has, and I've never been happier.

He's wonderful.

From now on, Salvio's name will be Teddy.  I think it fits him.  People are noticing how happy I look.  I can't believe how happy I am.

Time to talk...

Lemme tell you a secret...
No, two secrets.
1. I am in love.  And not just in love, I love him.  Salvio's pretty amazing.  I don't like the name I gave him though.  I'm going to change it when I find something that fits him.
2. There is a blog I follow simply so that I can scorn him in my head when I read his posts.  At first glance, he's one of those "let's help people" people, but after a while you realize how much he thinks of himself, and after that everything he writes is just... "uggh, listen to him go on."  I enjoy it.  That is horrible of me, but I can't be all good.

But I meant it.

I've never been so irrationally terrified for someone.  Salvio was going to meet me at the coffee shop.  And...
Just as I was writing that, he showed up.  Talk about irrational.  Me, I mean.  Last night, we were talking on FB and he asked if I'd gotten all my feelings sorted out yet.  I asked him why, had he?  He said yes, pretty much.  I told him yes, but I wanted to see his face when I told him.  So we met at chapel and skipped out.  Went to the music building.  He played piano, while I stared at my notebook and tried to think of something to draw.  I had so much nervous energy and nothing to do with it.  Finally I gave up drawing and started writing.  I don't remember everything I wrote, and I know that at the beginning I wasn't going to show it to him.  I remember the end - "... I think maybe I love you."  I decided to show it to him then.  I tore the page out of the notebook, handed it to him, and sat down on the piano bench with my hair falling over my face, waiting to find out how he would react.  I didn't see his face.  I wish I had.  But he came over, kissed me, and said, "Me too."
I can't believe how crazy I've gone over this guy.

So, I'm going to do this in chronological order, because as an engineer - or at least a person who's been trained to think like one for the past year, nearly - that makes the most sense to me.
1. I told you that Salvio and I were kind of going out.  Well, on Friday, he asked me to meet him at the church - he was leaving for the weekend in another hour, and we were going to hang out a little bit before he left.  When I walked in with Penny, he was playing piano.  He didn't say anything until we were up there next to him.  Penny introduced herself as "the annoying third wheel" and left soon after.  At that point, I leaned against the piano, and asked him what was up.  Still playing, he nodded his head towards the other side of piano.  That's when I noticed the flowers and the card sitting on the piano.
That's all the detail you're getting there.  Suffice to say that he asked me out officially.  Since then, he's been better to me than anyone else ever has been.  I'm crazy about him.
2. I got baptized this last weekend.  My pastor was great.  I'm so happy about my whole life right now.  I'm also very tired.  But it's worth it.  God is good.

So many amazing things...
1. I got baptized yesterday morning.
2. Salvio asked me out officially.
Details soon to come on both happenings.

Since Monday...

I'm kind of happy with the way things are going.  I'm kind of happy with Salvio.  I think he's rather happy with me.  That's all I can write about without getting too excited. :-)

Swoony?

For the past couple of hours, my gut has gotten this weird feeling.  I went to Wal-mart with Salvio and after that we stopped by the guys dorm lobby, the one that's pretty much empty all the time.
And now I think about it and my middle goes all swoony. :-D

Heh heh heh...

Well, I have an interesting bit of news.  Salvio and I have been hanging out pretty much every day for the last week and a half, and I have been developing a sort of crush on him, and apparently it's been mutual.  Tonight, we took a long walk where we did NOT gush our feelings out, and instead denied them to the furthest extent of our ability.  Then we got to the playground near the school and sat down on a benchy sort of thing that was under the monkey bars, and he leaned his head against my knees, which was totally unexpected.  We just sat like that for a long time.  Then he asked what I was thinking about and I said nothing.
"No, that's a lie.  I'm just thinking... you are seriously flirting with me, aren't you?"
"Yeah, sometimes.  But I get the feeling that you are too.""Yes."
We didn't really say a lot after that.  We just sat.  After a while, we started playing on the monkey bars and acting like we were before.  Then we got into a sort of tickle fight, and as soon as he got me on the ground, he flopped down beside me.  "I win."
"Yeah, right."  We stayed there for a half hour or so, holding hands, and then we started walking back, arm in arm.  We stopped by the guys dorm so he could pick up what he needed to do his homework, and then we stopped by the girls dorm so I could get my stuff.  Faye was standing outside and she saw us walking up with the most confused and shocked look I have ever seen on her face.  I told her we would talk later, I got my stuff, and we headed to the coffee shop to study.
Speaking of which, I have an ODE test at 8 to study for, and Faye just now came in...

Childhood doings.

So um.  There's this house.  Or bunker/tour-headquarters.  Salvio and I aren't entirely sure.  Whatever it is, it's been out of use for years - the calendar on the wall says 1999.  It was all boarded up and everything.  We had just about given up on getting in when Salvio started pulling up on another window - and it creaked!  So I helped him shove it up, and we climbed inside.  It was a bit dirty - dusty, with piles of bird poop everywhere, and pieces of broken ceramic with the name of the local police department on them.  We've decided that we're going to just put everything like that in one room and ignore it, and clean up the rest.  Because of course, we're coming back.  How could we not?

"All she wants to do is dance"

I want to dance.  That's it.  I don't want to do engineering.  I just want to dance.  Maybe I could start a school or something... I don't know.  But that's what I want to do.

Make me some sense.

I had a long talk with Salvio tonight.  Turns out he used to like me.
Here's the awful thing - I'm getting discouraged.  I am 90% certain that nothing's going to happen with Ace.  And as much as I've sworn that I won't settle, I'm beginning to slip.  And I could swear that Salvio and I almost had a moment.
Two days later -
Okay.  Not going to slip.  I won't I won't I won't.
Riley is driving me insane.  He keeps trying to get me to set him up with someone.  And the funny thing is that at the same time, he is totally okay with propositioning me.
I need a break.  I firmly believe that school is going to destroy me.

I want strawberries.

I'm so tired.  I didn't sleep last night.  When I got home today I slept for about three hours, but now I have to eat the Passover dinner (always a long affair) and write a short article review, and fill out a cost estimate, and write up solutions for my Calc4 written assignment.  And I have to read 120 pages of a very large book which promises to be fascinating, should I be awake enough to enjoy.
Perhaps you're getting the wrong idea.  I do not begrudge the Passover it's moment.  Okay, upon further reflection, I guess I do.  I don't want to though.  I have no excuses.
I would be very happy to see Penny or Lisa or Eric or Ariel or Ace or Christian right now.  Although, to be frank, what I want is a hug.  Penny would tell me to snap out of it, and then we'd begin a Doctor Who marathon.  Lisa would give me a very enthusiastic hug.  Eric would do the same, and then drag me somewhere on campus to practice dance (which I would be completely okay with).  Ariel would say, "Oh, Crazy, I'm sorry", give me a hug, and then suggest something cheerful.  Not entirely certain what Ace would do, to be honest, but we would probably end up talking about something completely different.  Christian would get this look in his eyes, the I'm-sorry-for-you-because-you-look-like-you-have-been-utterly-destroyed-both-physically-and-mentally look, and make me laugh somehow.  I have no idea why I have such affection for these people, but they are all amazing.

Yes, really.

It’s kind of strange when something happens, and you think it’s momentous, but when you reflect on it, you realize how small it really was.  For example (and of course, this is what started this train of thought), tonight, when dancing with Ace, we messed up near the end, and when we finished, he said he was sorry, and touched my back.  Now, that seems so ridiculously small, but he’s never voluntarily touched me except when dancing.  This coming right after a night where we waltzed and our faces almost touched – only because we were concentrating so hard, but still breathtaking.
I’m not saying he likes me – I doubt he does, but I hope he at least thinks of me as a friend, and I think it’s safe to hope he does.
Also, Ariel said I was sexy when I danced. :-) I’m okay with that.

Hip hip HOORAY!!!

Three cheers for Christian, the most extraordinary man I have ever met!

Thoughts

So... I never know quite what to think anymore about anything or anyone, but clearly I should never trust my first judgement.  Faye is great, she really is, but I'm not sure how well I'll handle having the room so spotless that it practically squeaks.  It looks so cold.  But she's a great roommate, so I think I'll deal with it.
School is fantastic.
You know, I just realized that I say basically the same thing every time I write here.  School is great, I love my friends, I'm so busy, dancing is spectacular, Ace is awesome.
I guess, all in all, I lead a great life, but it's not really interesting to read about.  Perhaps I should simply write thoughts of mine instead of happenings.
So.  Thoughts.  I must find thoughts to think.
Annnnnddd... the only thoughts I am finding are about the amazing sunshine here (divine, but not particularly interesting) and the... nope, that's it.
I just need to remember, no matter how great things seem, I should never let my guard down with some people.  Gut instincts don't typically lie.

And here we we are. :-)

So, I'm ready for school ten minutes early and haven't anything to do.  Faye is half-asleep right now.  She's fantastic.  We (and this has happened two nights in a row now) started laughing over something ridiculous and couldn't stop.  I have a feeling she's going to whip me into shape, physically.  She runs everywhere.  And all of this laughing must be good for my stomach, if the way it hurts is any indication.  I went to see the Hunger Games with her and a bunch of her friends last night.  I think I'm going to like dorm life.

I am far too hopeful.

Nothing to make you realize you're crazy over someone like knowing they just went out on a date with someone else.

I like crayons. But I digress.

Well.  Oh my.  I'm freaking out.  Just a little, ya know.  I've got my entire room turned upside-down (how I wish I could say "literally" - that would be so cool) because I am PACKING FOR THE DORM!
And yes, I'm excited.
Ahem.
Let us not get too excited.
I said "Ahem."
Bah, no one's listening.  No one ever listens to the crazy person.
I'm stuck on this comic lately: http://questionablecontent.net/ The guy's hilarious - advertises a little too much for stuff related to his comic, but I probably would too if I was making my living off of it.  I'm actually re-reading through the archives as I speak.  Frankly, I find Sven rather attractive.
School starts in 4 days!  It's ridiculous to be as thrilled as I am.  I know that a week in, I'll be questioning my sanity - and that of every college professor I slave for - but I still can't wait.
Frankly, I'm already nervous.  I must be mad.

Shocker...

So.  I, of course, refuse to publicly admit that I like Ace.  However, I am perfectly alright admitting on the privacy of my blog that I like him a lot.
So.  I like him.  A lot.
Also, I hit my thumb with a sledgehammer.

Phew... oh dang it.

Nope, it's okay.  I am still rather crazy over Ace.  Evan poses no threat to my sanity.
I'm fairly certain I have problems.
Is it weird that I wouldn't consider dating somebody who wasn't at least willing to learn how to swing dance?
Je veux - Zaz
I was listening to that song pretty much the whole day yesterday.  Makes me want to go to France.
Anyway, back to a topic I didn't finish, Ace came dancing last night.  I didn't come until really late - I was busy playing Haman in the Purim Party.  (No, I'm not Jewish.  Most of them aren't.)  But... wow, I wish I could dance with him more often.  He's good.
Just realized it may well not be any better to like Ace than it is to like Evan.  I am attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Screwed.
Maybe.
But oh wow, I hope not.

I'm in trouble.

So, I met my roommate!  Her name is Faye, and I expect she will figure largely in my adventures at the university.  She's sweet, loves sports, hates pink, loves fairytales, and thinks guys are excellent but not the whole world.  I can't wait until spring quarter.
And now, about Evan.  He cried last night.  And somehow that makes him more of a man than ever.
We talk about the weirdest things.

Bailey

Today has been such a strange day.  We gave our puppy away.  My mom was crying when she called me.  My sister wasn't too happy either.  I haven't felt such a sense of loss since Lucky got scared away by the fireworks.  I mean, yeah, we've had cats die, but it's different.  I don't worry about whether they miss us.  I wonder if Bailey does, though.  He was such a sweet puppy.  He was whimpering last night while I was waiting to get into the bathroom, and I went over and held him for a few seconds before just letting him walk around in the office.  I never really got to see him much.  I was always at school.  And as selfish as it is, I don't want him to forget about us.  I can't believe a dog is making me feel so sad.
Other things happened today - good things - but I'd rather talk about them tomorrow, or at least later tonight, when I don't feel so sad.

Welcome to the Drama Club - literally!

I am so excited!  (Haha, that brings up memories.  That's how I began every good journal entry when I was younger.)  So, chronologically:
1. I talked to Dr. Ephsten and he said that if I got good grades this quarter, I could take 18 credits.
2. I got into ODE!  Technically, I need Calc IV as a prerequisite, but I talked to the professor who is teaching ODE next quarter, and to the head of the math department, and they said that they would waive that requirement.  So I'm taking two math classes next quarter instead of just one.
3. Aaron3 is dancing again!  Not much, but it's nice to have him back.  (Bad thing though - Ace hurt his arm while skiing and can't dance for maybe six weeks.)
4. The Purim party is coming along fantastically.  I will be dressed something like Dracula for the role of Haman.
5. I just got matched up with a roommate for living in the dorm!
6. And FINALLY, the reason for the title... I am going to try out for Romeo and Juliet.  Nothing more need be said at the moment.

Welcome to the Drama Club!

Feeling in a bit of a dirty mood.  I don't like it.  That's the old Crazy.  Okay, okay, it's not like the new Crazy has no hormones.  Jeez.  I'm reminded of that every time I see... certain people.  But, I have better things to think about.  No, seriously.  I've got school.
Okay, I don't remember exactly when I wrote that, but it was about a week ago and I was just having some hormonal issues.  Anyway.  On the good stuff.
Okay, okay, there isn't any "good stuff", if by good stuff you mean juicy tales of what's been going on in my life.  I don't have interesting things happen to me very often.  My talent lies in taking something exceptionally boring and making it sound fascinating.  (Incidentally, that's not bragging - it's something my old English teacher said.)
There has been a bit of drama this week, most of it unnecessary (drama does tend to be that way, haven't you noticed?).
First, Eric and Lisa had a falling-out of sorts.  It turns out they both like eachother, but she got scared because she's never been in a relationship and now they barely speak.  They danced a couple of times together, but they used to be nearly inseparable.  Eric told me this on Wednesday night.  He was pretty upset about it.  Lisa hasn't said a word about it.  I'm sad for her.  What's going to happen to her if she's too scared to ever be in a relationship?  She's a fantastic girl - I don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life.
The other bit of drama occurred last night at the dance.  This girl, Taya, whose name I hope I have no occasion to mention again, came up to me while I was dancing with Olivia's sister (nothing uncommon - there are never enough guys so girls will frequently dance together) and said, "You need to get off the floor right now and let the people who know what they're doing, do it."  I told her that she wasn't in charge and that I didn't need to do anything, and I kept on dancing again.  I saw her looking at me while we were dancing.  I looked straight into her eyes for several seconds, and then looked away and continued dancing.  Apparently, she was watching us for the rest of the dance.  Fucking bitch.  It was quite satisfying to know that I bothered her so much though.  I never really liked her.
And third bit, although this is good drama - the best I've heard for a while - Finn and Ariel are going out!  It just became official.  Apparently a lot of people were expecting that.  I wasn't, but I think it's fantastic.  Bit of a shock though - I guess he broke up with his old girlfriend over Christmas break, and I had no idea about any of this until this last Thursday.  Dunno why, but it makes me pretty happy.

Man, I've got it bad.

Curses on you, Christian.  Don't go being nice; I'll be spoilt.  I don't want to be spoilt.  And yes, I'm having fun saying 'spoilt'.
Also, I can't wait until tomorrow night.  And the engineering banquet.
It's getting hard not to think about traveling when it's everywhere.  I want to so bad.
Dear God, I promise, if you give me the chance to travel I will not waste a minute of it.  I will do as much as I can, and I won't let myself get bored, and I certainly won't spend all day in a hotel room or the dorm.

Holy MOTHER.

As a history/mechanical engineering major in the Honors program, I have got the most unimaginable class load.  And possibly unmanageable.  I've got to talk to both of my advisers, and maybe the Honors head, because I need to see how many of my classes cross over.  It looks like I'll have at least 20 credits per quarter for the forseeable future - and that's even though I'm taking classes during the summer, although I'll probably only be taking 8-10 credits then.  I am going to double major - or at least get an engineering major and a minor in history - but I am not going to make my parents pay for an extra year at school, especially since goodness knows at that point they'll need the money for the rest of us.
I got a dress yesterday for the Engineering Banquet.  I've never gone dress-shopping before, and I think I could learn to hate it, but somehow I found the perfect dress so fast that I didn't have time to hate it.  It's lovely - right up my alley, too - red, halter, long and flowy but not poufy, thank goodness.  Incidentally, I don't have a date for this banquet - I'm going because I need colloquium credit for my Intro to CAD class.
The other day, I drew a face on my paper before I turned it in for class.  I don't know why - I usually doodle in class, but typically I perform such endeavors in my notebook where no one will ever see them again.  But my notebook was tucked away in my backpack and I didn't want to make the noise that retrieving it would require, so I just started drawing on my paper.  I didn't really realize what I was doing until the end of class came and he asked us to turn in our papers.  Well, yesterday I got it back and he had drawn ears and a moustache on it.  I guess this is his way of accepting the apology that I gave for the face in the first place. :-)

'Tis spring.

Today feels so long.  I feel like I'm going to fail everything.  I don't want to fail - if I fail this quarter, I'm out of the school.  Granted, sometimes I have no idea why I'm going to school here, but I don't want to get kicked out - especially not for poor grades.  Let me tell you - community college does NOT prepare you for a university.  Not a damn bit.
Just realized, I've mostly given up swearing.  Now, stubbing my toe can always get a colorful word out of me, but for the most part, I've quit. :-)
I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better.  It's so nice outside.  And pretty nice inside too.  And swing dancing is tonight.
Okay, wow.  I don't know what this song is, but I like it.  I could swear I've heard it before.
That feeling is indescribable.

Jammed my foot down my throat this time.

Wow.  I really do know how to screw up.  Ian basically told me he liked me.  And I thought he was joking.  And I behaved accordingly.  Gosh I'm dumb sometimes.  Yuuuuuuuuck.

Oh. Oh my. 'Tis my time to dance.

So, first, the weird news.  Sort of good and bad mixed.  Last night, my parents... kicked me out?  I'm not sure if that's the way to put it.
Basically, I got in a huge fight with my parents.  It was so mixed up.  To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what we were arguing about - I'm still not.  It was sort of about grades, but my grades are good.  I think more than anything it was just that things have been really tense for a while in my house, because I'm never home anymore.  I'm at the school from 7 in the morning to 9-12 at night.  Sometimes I go a day or two without seeing some of my family, because they're asleep both when I leave and get back.  Anyway, my dad was going on about how I was wasting his money going to school when I didn't know what to do with my life.  I told him to shut up.  He took that about as well as you could imagine, but it was my mom who really took offense.  She told him to call the school, I was going to live in the dorm next quarter.  She didn't want me living here if I was going to act that way.  Later she came into my room and said she didn't want me to think that they didn't want me here; she just thought it was best for everyone if I left.  Still not entirely sure how I feel about this.  I did want to live in the dorm, and didn't know how I was going to convince them to let me.  This wasn't quite the way I expected it to happen.  I suppose I should just be happy it worked out.
Okay, now the good news.  Tonight, after swing dancing, Ace asked me to come up and go snowboarding.  We're leaving early (if the conditions are good), so I should really get to bed.  I have to get up in four hours.  But I'm pretty happy.
I believe in God.  Have I mentioned that?  I really do.  These past few weeks I've had even more reason to.  At least, I've noticed it more.  I guess... I'm saying is that I think God has a plan behind this.  A plan behind my parents sending me to the dorm.  I'm a little nervous - maybe more so than I would have had if I was just going, without this whole story behind it.  But it's going to be okay.

Actually, a lot of people said I was really good at dipping.

So, I know I once decided to stop thinking about Ace.  At this point, you must have concluded that I have gone back on that.  I think it's reached the point where I'd really like to talk about him.
Hang on.  I wrote that last night before swing dancing, and I have a lot to talk about.  Well... maybe not so much, but it's awesome stuff.  I had such a wonderful night.  I'm also having a good time right now.
Anyway, Aaron got to the SAC pretty early last night, and he taught me dubstep swing.  Dubstep swing is awesome.  After that, I just did homework while he taught Lisa.
Okay, I'm not going to take you through this whole thing chronologically.  Basically, I danced with Ace, and he said I was really good at the Push and at the dips (swing moves), and we actually laughed together.  He even used me as an example when teaching someone else how to do the dip properly.  I also learned a couple of new moves, and when the night was over, Carl walked me to my car and was quite the gentleman.  Incidentally, we discussed gentlemanliness at length on the way there.
It was a wonderful night.  And I'll talk about Ace sometime later.

I'm kidding myself.

I dearly hope that I can keep this mood throughout the day.  I feel rather good.
Well, it's much later, but I don't feel bad.   I love old music.  And Ace keeps making me think.  And you know how I have a weakness for guys who make me think.
Darn it, Ace, you gotta stop doing that.  Somehow I'm getting the idea that you're a romantic.  Which could be dizzying for my own heart and mind.  I don't need to be a romantic.
And I certainly don't need you to be one.

For those of us who know...

I'm feeling a nice sort of lonely.  Although, lonely is still lonely, and those of us who feel that way often have to devise our own methods of making it nice.
It's not a terrible existence.  We find our happiness in little things instead of big things - we have to.  We don't often have those great big splendid things that many people have.  We have so many of the little splendid things though.  The ones that make you smile as you walk down the street, not because you're in love with someone who loves you, or because you just got that job, but because you're in love and it feels good, or because the person who got that job is your friend.  Maybe you got a free coffee.  Maybe the sun came out just as you stepped outside.  Maybe they played your favorite song on the radio.
I don't know if we have more little things or if we've just trained ourselves to look at them.  But I would say we're just as happy as those who have all the big things.
There are bad moments too.  Moments when we realize just how alone we are, and that we have no one we can really trust to be there.  Moments when we're tired and scared and we have no one to sit us down, tell us to eat some ice cream, and just chill for a few minutes.  Moments when the big problems are overwhelming and the little gifts just don't seem to matter.
But all in all, it's not such a bad life.
It's even a bit beautiful.

"So let go, let go..."

It's time to stop being afraid.

I need a better phrase at the end.

I'll bet you read the end first, after the title. :-)
I love being at the coffee shop in the morning.  It really is amazing.  It smells good, it's warm, it has a creative atmosphere, and the cashier is always really nice.  I'm a bit of a regular.  I've been a regular at several places.  The library at the community college campus.  The DX.  And now here.  You don't exactly get special privileges or anything (not that I've noticed, anyway), but the people know your name and there's a particular pleasure in knowing things about the place that other people don't.  The library doesn't charge fines.  (They don't publicize that, but it's true.)  The people who close at the DX often play games or read books in between the rare customers.  The workers at the coffee shop will give you a free coffee sometimes.  It never happens when anyone else is around, and they usually have a reason for it (once the person who opened the coffee shop was late and she gave me a free mocha in penance), but once in a while there's no purpose to it.  I rather like it.
And now, I must jettison my brain in the direction of math.

I apologized.

So, here's another story.  For a couple of years, Riley dated a girl named Kayla.  I hated that girl so much, mostly because - completely because - I was in love with Riley at the time.  I was awful to her.  Did she deserve it?  No.  Probably not.  Anyway, I recently realized how wrong Riley had been about so many things, in so many ways, and I began to wonder if maybe I didn't have as much to fault Kayla for as I thought.  So this morning, before I could stop to think (seems I do a lot of things that way recently) I sent her a message and a friend request.  I told her I was sorry for treating her the way I did.  She replied, accepting the apology and the friend request and saying that she shouldn't have gotten between two close friends the way she did.
I actually feel a little better now.

FRIDAY!!

It's gonna be a good day.  How do I know?  Because it's Friday, you dimwit!  Well, and also because I only have one assignment today.  And because they played "Half of my Heart" by what's-his-face earlier.  And because it's Friday.  And because yesterday, I had lunch with Ace, and it was only awkward at the beginning.

In dedication to Mandy...

So, before I begin, I have to say something really fast here.  I just sent a review to my writing teacher (the whole honors class went to a reading by two famous authors and we then had to write a review) and he wrote back and said, "Ms. _____, you were born for the page."  So I feel pretty great.  But on to the real subject.

I know a person who has been cutting.  Sometimes she reads this blog - at least I imagine she does, because she subscribes to it.  I just wanted to say something to her without writing a comment that goes on forever.
I have been there.  Not exactly where you've been, needless to say.  Riley was my Patrick.  Miguel was my Connor.  Cutting was my... well, cutting.  Yes, I used to cut myself.  I started much younger - I was 14, and didn't even realize that there was a name for what I was doing.  I certainly didn't realize how widespread it was.  I tried pocket knives, razors, and upon occasion (when I had nothing else) hair clips.  I only did my left arm, because I needed to use one arm at least to wash dishes, and you can't exactly wear long sleeves while doing dishes.  I took to wearing a jean jacket constantly, even to bed.  When I wore short sleeves, I was always worried that someone would notice.  I started feeling sorry for myself, and then I looked up some cutting websites.  A few offered help.  Most offered companionship.  They wrote about their own cutting experiences, talking about why they still did it.  I was completely shocked to see that even people in their 20's were doing it.  There were a lot of pictures.  At that point I wasn't a bad cutter.  I didn't go very deep - there was a lot of blood involved, but never anything really bad.  Once I saw the pictures, I realized how much worse their cutting habits were, and my own got worse, mostly because I felt like I should keep up.  I was depressed most of the time, wore a lot of black (not that black is a bad thing - hey, it's stylish - but it wasn't characteristic for me at all), and didn't do much of anything but read.  One day I started cutting and just didn't stop - I started crying and just kept cutting, blood dripping all over the sink and counter and floor.  I don't know why I even stopped.  I didn't want to, that was for sure.  I'd love to say that's when I realized I had a problem.  But no, that wasn't the turning point.  I wasn't exactly given to admitting problems - even to myself.  I went on in the same depressed, pathetic state for about two years, before I finally made a bargain with God (and incidentally, I don't believe you can really do that, but it rarely stops me from trying) that if he would keep Riley safe, I would stop cutting.  I never cut again.  Now I look back and can't believe the way I was then.  No motivation, no self-respect, and no realization of how far gone I was.  I think about all those times I read about the twenty-somethings who cut and were proud of it, and I feel better than them (maybe horrible, but true) because I'm not even as old as they are, and I've grown-up more.  I remember reading somewhere that cutters need help to quit - that they can't do it by themselves.  Not true.  I never told anyone.  God helped, I think.  That's it.  I sure didn't talk to a counselor (nasty moneysuckers, in my opinion), and I didn't tell my parents.
I'm saying all of this because I don't want you to get stuck in my story.  I don't want you - or anyone - to get sucked into this and have it turn out badly.  It really is horrible, and you don't realize how horrible until you escape it.  I feel like I should say something else, but I'm pretty much worded out, and if you're anything like I was, you'll ignore this.  Just PLEASE think about it.  It really isn't worth it.

:-)

I guess I made a real friend when I met Eric.  I asked him about dancing and mentioned that I could really use a distraction.  He said that he was working today but if I ever needed to talk he was there.

And it's windy!

Oh, today is going to be a good day.  I always feel excellent when I wear my grey sweater.  It's so soft!  It's like yum for your shoulders.  Okay, rarely have I sounded more ridiculous.  But I'm happy today.  And a little nervous.  I told my dad that I changed my major.  The first thing he said was, "Well, I'm glad you told me before I paid your school bill.  But after that he calmed down and started getting practical.  That's what I love about my dad.  He doesn't spend much time on what's already done.  He moves on to what can be done about it.  And I think he'll come around.
Not only that, but I'm gonna see if Eric wants to practice dance tonight.  I love dancing so much, and he's usually up for it.

Incidentally, I smell dinner...

It seems like every move I make digs me deeper into this well of idiocy I have created for myself.
Okay, three hours, one nap, and one conversation with Christian later, and I'm feeling much better.  Really, how terrible is this?  The only really bad part of this is the part where my parents find out.  Which of course, has to happen eventually.  Soon.
But for now, I'm pretty sure everything will be fine.

Major changes.

They're playing the best music in the DX today.  Oldies.  YES.
Okay... so it's hours later, but today was so great.
Okay, so it's days later, and today was not great.  Actually, it's only two days later.  I changed my major this morning.  I've been unsure about it the entire day.  Impulse only carries you so far - it doesn't stick around for the aftermath.  Incidentally, they played that "oldies" playlist the next morning too.  I was very happy about that.
Aha, I just caught myself getting distracted.  I've been absent-minded all day.  I almost ran into a car twice.  Totally didn't realize that I stopped in front of a green light until another car went racing past me.  I'm very self-conscious on the road.  Much more so than I am just walking down the street.
Hmm.  Just found out that Riley hasn't been doing his homework in math class.  He didn't even make it to the test.  He said his car wouldn't start or something.  I think he was just lazy and realized he had no idea what was on the test.  I stopped cheating for him.  This is a horrible thing to say, but I hope he gets kicked out of that class, if it's possible.  He's really pissing me off lately.  Still owes me money too.
Completely got off topic.  I was talking about the major changes I've made recently, if you'll pardon the pun.  Basically, I was an idiot.  Never mind, I guess I don't need to talk about it all that much.

That could have gone better.

So.  I'm switching my major to history and business.  My parents were just thrilled when I told them.  My dad said he doesn't want to pay for that.  So I'll have to figure it out somehow.  There's always a way.

It's okay, I'm just pondering stuff.

Sometimes I don't even want to think.  Some things are just - not too painful, but too humiliating, too puzzling, too wrong to think about.  I thought I had my whole life together.  I wonder if maybe I'm more lost than I ever was.  Oh well.  Back to homework, and all the academic thinking that blocks out intelligent thinking.

You know the feeling...

... the terrifying one you get when you've been found out.  I think I have been.  This is the deepest, most critical secret I've ever kept, and it shows right through.  To Christian, at least.  I should have guessed.  He knows everything.  I said before that I'd trust him with anything.  Apparently I was wrong, because he can't know this.

I'm not a melty person... but it's a PUPPY!!!!

Last night was amazing.
But before I get to last night, I'm going backwards.  I'm at the coffee shop, and they're playing "Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele (one of my favorite songs).  Aha, wait, I took too long doing math and now the song is "Don't Let Me Go" by The Fray.  I like that song too.  Anyway, I'm happy because I'm drinking a caramel mocha and we just got a puppy!!!!!!!
Holy mother, they just started playing my favorite song: "Pumped-up Kicks" by Foster the People.  YES, I am mainstream enough to absolutely adore that song.  Deal with it.
The puppy is small, brown, five-month-old dachshund who, according to Mom, likes to be held.  Seriously, I'm melting just thinking about it.  Picture an almost-tough-as-nails female black belt reduced to a puddle of d'awwwing mush.  This is a damn cute puppy.
And this is a damn good day too.  Studying for my calc 3 test is going well.  I hung out with Ellie earlier.  Seriously, it's been a long time since I've seen her.
Last night we went swing dancing (Ace brought a girl, apparently just a friend but I think he likes her) and afterwards, we sort of went skating on the snow.  And since I was wearing boot/heels, I couldn't really skate in my shoes.  So I took them and went sockfoot, which, incidentally, did not impede my movement at all.  I crashed a few times.  Got my knees all bloody.  Freaked out Finn, Ariel, and a few other random people.  Had fun.
And we have a puppy!!!!!!!!

Re-reading...(2)

BTW, this is not going to be chronological.

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-love-mornings.html
I still think about this day and smile.  It really was an absolutely wonderful day.  The morning was the best though.


http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/if-i-had-month-to-live.html
Some things I have to add - I would also learn how to ice skate backwards, and I'd go to see the Kremlin (because the Kremlin really is fabulous), and I'd arrange to have one last, long talk with Christian, and I'd try to be nice to everyone except people who were just jerks (I'd probably beat their butts).  I'd arrange my own funeral, and write out my will (my sister gets my journals and books, Isaac gets King Arthur, Gerry gets my chemistry books, since he's so nuts for that stuff, all my candles go to Olivia, and I suppose I'll figure out the rest later).  I don't typically like the idea of burning, but I think I'd like to be cremated, and I'd want my ashes scattered all over the world.  Hopefully I have a lot of ashes.

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2012/01/crush-formula.html
Well, I wish there were an actual formula for this kind of thing, but still.  I am beginning to see that Ace and I wouldn't be good together.  I mean, obviously, I don't know that for sure - and he were to ask me out, I wouldn't say no - but I'm not really gonna stress it right now.  That was a great night though - so much dancing.  T'was wonderful. :-)

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2012/01/oh-oh-you-talked-to-me-in-siren-song.html
Siren song... beautiful phrase.  Anyway, what I call siren song is probably not what you would call siren song.  To me, it's not a guy talking in a low, sexy voice about how beautiful I am.  It can be any non-remarkable voice, as long he's saying remarkable things.  Stories of the rest of the world.  Ideas that I've never heard.  And anything of mystery and danger.

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/oh-and-i-also-got-free-coffee.html
My parents eventually did find out.  It actually wasn't that bad.  I haven't followed anyone that closely since.  And by the way, today I saw the girl who gave me the free coffee.  Lovely girl, very friendly.


http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/superwoman.html
Heh.  Must admit, this invincible feeling has been... dampened a little.  I am trying.  Really, truly.  But I'm getting so little sleep, and so much homework.  Every weekend, I vow to try harder the next week.  But I'm swamped and it's sucking out my motivation.  Well, since it's the weekend, I am now vowing to get everything right next week. :-)

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/let-me-make-this-plain.html
So.  I want to talk about Christian.  I can't really talk about him to anyone else.  It's kind of like he's my secret.  He's not a bad secret.  He's a fabulous guy.  But everyone would wonder why I'm talking to a guy who's engaged.  Anyway, I wish I could describe how he makes me feel.  Goodness knows I've tried often enough.  I haven't gotten anywhere with it.  But he makes me feel great.  Absolutely fabulous.  And sometimes he makes me feel like an idiot because I'm not doing exactly what I want.  And I can't believe I trusted him so fast.  Almost immediately.  He wouldn't laugh at anything I did.  Well, he might, because he's a laughing sort of guy, but he would also take it seriously.  There's so much to say about him, but if I keep it up, I'm going to sound ridiculous, so I'll quit it.

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/when-im-old-im-going-to-look-back-on.html
I haven't seen that guy since.  The guy who drew the chipmunk, I mean.  I doubt I'll forget him though.  He made my day.  And so did Finn, and so did my pastor.  And I changed the tire with Aaron3 (my favorite Aaron, btw) because we randomly found it flat on our way back from the DX.  We had so much fun doing that.  Also, I see him a lot now, because he took up swing dancing.  He's pretty great.  And the bouncy houses were fabulous.  I hope they do them again sometime.

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/and-it-goes-down-down-down.html
I'm going to ignore the second part of this post, and focus on the first, because I never really talked about it.  But Ace asked me on a Monday if I was busy, and if I wanted to go flying.  Needless to say, I managed to get free of the one appointment I had (it was flying, for goodness' sakes!) and we headed towards the airfield.  It was a little cold, but not so bad, and I was too excited to want a coat anyway, so I went in my short-sleeve button-up.  (Incidentally, I don't like coats when I'm happy.  It's like they weigh me down or something.)  That quick moment of weightlessness that you feel when the plane leaves the ground is... something else.  Like in an elevator when it first starts moving, only more pronounced.  And then, you see everything, and it's like you're looking at it through the wrong end of the telescope - extraordinarily clear, but so much smaller than you expect.  And then we went towards the mountains.  But my favorite part was near the end, when he let me fly the plane for a little bit.  Needless to say, I was only steering it, and everything else that had to be done, he did, but it was still amazing.  The landing was bumpy.  I love bumpy landings.  They're so much more fun than smooth ones, because you can feel the difference between what you've left behind and what you're going back to, instead of landing softly and quietly and realizing only later that oh, we're already back.  I much prefer the air.  And then Ace mentioned the saying that a lot of pilots go by: "If you're in one piece, it was a good landing.  If the plane is in one piece, it was a great landing."  Everything seemed very ordinary on the way back.  The one thing he said that was interesting was in answer to the question I asked much earlier, when the propeller had just started: "Does it ever get old?"  And he told me on the way back that, yes, you got used to it, but no, it never really got old.

http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/somebody-was-nice-today.html
That was the day I became friends with Christian.


http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/12/re-reading.html
And here is the link to the last time I did this.

I can't really say anything else.

And yet it needs so badly to be said:  Yuuuuuuuuucck.

My train of thought left me at the station.

"Surging" is a wonderful word.  Really, think of all the wonderful things that means.  When has the word "surge" held anything but an overwhelming power?  And I love overwhelming power.  I don't need to have it.  But something does.  It's wonderful and terrifying all at once.  Isn't it fantastic?
Lately, I'm struck by the upperclassmen at this college.  So many of them seem older than their twenty-odd years.  I don't know why that is, except that maybe they have so much homework that it brought on premature aging.

Somebody remind me why I got up so early.

Aaiiiieeeeee!!!!!  Does no one understand that you're not supposed to have a test this early in the quarter?  Although I guess it beats having back-to-back tests.  But still.  CHEMISTRY.  YUCK.  How can math be so easy for me and chemistry so boggling?

The crush formula

I wanted to talk about last night, because it really was great.  I just got sidetracked, what with all the drama.  (I'm so sick of drama.  I just want a non-ordinary, peaceful life.)
Well, I suppose you don't remember the vow I made to stop thinking about Ace.  Yeah.  How full of shit I am.  He asked me to dance four times last night.  Not that it means anything, I know.  But think about it for a second - there were a good twenty girls (maybe more, but for the purposes of calculations, we'll say twenty) last night, and a swing dance song lasts about three or four minutes.  Since we danced for a little under three hours, there were about 45-50 dances.  Which means that he (theoretically) asked me more than he asked any other girl.
How pathetic am I, using mathematics to calculate the probability of crushing?

I can't bloody stand the way people change... and don't.

It's times like these when I'm SO glad I have a blog that no one knows about.
Isaac is SO FUCKING STUPID SOMETIMES!!!!!!  He had friends over and they decided to smoke pot, and he just went along with it.  He's always criticized people for being potheads, and when I mentioned that to him he said if I was going to criticize him that he didn't want to talk.
WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On another note, I pretty much hate it when anyone changes from what they really were.  So many people just lose themselves somewhere.  I was worried I'd lost myself.  Unh-uh.  I haven't.  I just don't have a lot of friends.  It's a transitional period.  Most of my old friends think I've gone "goody-two-shoes" - that or they just don't have time because we go to different schools.  Most of my new friends aren't close enough that I'm willing to let them know much about me, even though I'm pretty sure they'd accept me.
Riley, turns out, hasn't broken up with Dana.  They're still going out.  He certainly hasn't changed.  I can't figure it out - what on earth did he have to gain by lying to me?  This is it.  I don't trust him anymore.  And for the record, I'm not doing his homework again.  I don't care how much he whines.
...
On second thought, you know what?  It's his loss.  If he's not willing to study, that's his issue.  In the meantime, doing math several levels beneath the math I'm doing now - for money - beats housecleaning.  Yes, I still feel dishonest.  But right now, as a college student, money trumps a lot of stuff.  Uggh.  Okay, maybe I'll need to think about this.

I am so unreal.

I never felt like such a hypocrite.  I've become so lost in everything that everyone thinks I am that I'm really not sure what "being myself" means.
I've cheated on homework.  Not mine.  Riley's.  Yeah, he goes to school with me now.  Well, yesterday, something "came up" and he asked me to do his math homework.  He paid me $10 up front, called me a life-saver, and hugged me.  Ten minutes after he left, I broke down.  My mom was bothering me about going dancing that night (I've gone dancing every Wednesday night since I found out about it) and about the campout this weekend (which I cancelled today because I have a chem test on Monday) and about my grades in general, which aren't even bad.  So I packed up my books (and his book on finite mathematics) and got ready to leave.  As I was putting on my coat, Eric came up (I'm actually not sure why - probably to ask why I wasn't over on the floor) and I told him before he could say a word that I had too much homework.  I didn't cry.  Then he said it was okay and he would see me later.
I walked around campus, actually crying at this point.  I hope no one heard.  There weren't many people out, and I was fairly quiet.  Anyway, it doesn't matter.  (Everything in my head is rebelling at this point, because I never talk about crying, which I rarely do and don't approve of as a rule.)
What matters is that today I did his homework again, because he said he didn't have a computer.  I don't know if he's just making excuses or if he legitimately can't do it (there are definitely computers at the school, but this is Riley - he has issues sometimes), but it's making money, and pretty quickly (especially since his math is really easy).
But I feel terrible. 

"Oh, oh, you talked to me in siren song and anyone would drown..."

You know how some people - even if you don't like them or if you don't think they're good for you - are so beautiful, with voices so melodic and attitudes so comforting that you almost fall in love with them on the spot?
Not saying another word.

It's only Wednesday...

... of the second week and I'm already walking around like the living dead.
I saw Christian last night at the DX.  Seriously, if I could talk to him for about five minutes each day, life would make so much more sense.  Or less, depending...
HI!  It's me again, only two hours later.  I'm finally awake.   I think it's all the coffee.  I wonder if I just made a mistake.  I don't really care to go into it, but we'll soon see.  I think.

I love mornings.

I'm becoming a morning person.  I was up at 5:30 this morning.  Granted, it was so cold that I could hardly scrape my windshield, but I love being in the coffee shop early to study.  They're playing "Hey Soul Sista" in here. I don't usually like that song, but it's so cheerful in here.  I just got a peppermint white mocha.  I've never had one of those.  I was feeling adventurous.  Today is going to be awesome.  Absolutely fabulous.  And now, back to math.
Did I mention how good I was feeling???

Wonderful day...

Greetings, fair readers!  Or, well... fair imaginary readers.  (I like to imagine an audience exists.)  I have started thinking about Ace again.  Curses upon my wandering thoughts.  He appears to hold no grudge against the time I asked him to go skating.  In fact, he asked me to dance several times.  Of course, he was just "making the rounds" as he called it, but there's no way he danced with every girl there, so he must not hate me.  Or feel awkward around me.  Which was what I was worried about.  I don't mind terribly if he doesn't like me like that.  Mostly, I just wanted to be friends.  I'd much rather be friends with a guy for a little while first, anyway.  Not that that's going to happen or anything.

Yes, we are the cool kids.

School.  Wow.  This quarter is going to rock.  I'm tired though, and I've got a lot of homework, even though it's only the first day.
But, just for the record, the people in my Western Thought class are da bomb.

DAMN, but I am good at lying to myself.

Ahem.

Happy New Year.  The world mustn't end in 2012 because the Hobbit comes out in December, and I won't have the chance to see it until January.  Thank you, that is all.