I terrify myself.

I am such a scary person.
It is so incredibly easy to just give up and not care about grades.  The amount of homework I have right now is unreal.  And somehow  I've got to clear up this madness with Alex.  We had kind of a disappointing conversation last night.  He mentioned that I waste my time on losers and jerks but I won't give him the time of day.  I feel really bad about this.  But the only way this would work is to date him, and if I did that, the moment Ace or - I shouldn't say this - Evan asked me out, I would regret being with him.  Of course, I'm assuming an awful lot, doing that.  Yes, yes, I KNOW that love is sometimes right in front of you, etc.  But aren't some things worth making sacrifices for?
At the same time, sometimes I can't help wishing I had boyfriend.  But here's the thing.  I'm pretty sure Alex wants sex.  And I don't.  Sometimes I get the urge, but for the most part whenever I think about having sex with ANYBODY, I feel sick.  I don't know how that happened.
The scary thing is that if he was willing to wait as long I needed before we had sex, I would probably date him.  It's really the best thing if I don't though.
One more scary thing: it's a good thing that Finn's got a girlfriend, because otherwise I would be in serious danger of falling in love with him.  That is all I will say on the subject.
I just got in a very kickass mood.  I've got a calc test and a chem test tomorrow, and I plan to ace them both.  Never mind that I'm crap at calculating pressure and temperature.  I will become not-crap at it.  Also, I'm beginning to like engineering.  Maybe I can do this after all.
My teacher is planning to have me test for my 2nd dan black belt next spring.  I remember almost every detail of my 1st dan test.  WOW was I nervous.  I messed up a couple of things.  But I did well, and I passed, and I'm going to do so much better this time.  In fact, right now I feel like I can do anything.
I can conquer the whole effin' world. :-)