If I had a month to live...

I'd go dancing every night for a week.  I'd whirl around and forget everything for a little while.
During the day I would spend as much time with my family and my friends as I could.  I would go to a theme park, because I've never been to one.  I would slide down the long stair rail at church.  I wouldn't tell anyone I was dying except my pastor, and maybe Christian.  Not until the end, anyway.  I would borrow Riley's Camaro and drive as fast as it could go on the back roads.  I would do all the things with my siblings I'd been promising I would do.  I'd go to classes, but I wouldn't do the homework, except for maybe the reading homework.  I'd write my story, short as it is.  I'd learn to play the prettiest version of the Moonlight Sonata.  I would tell Christian, Evan, and Finn that they were absolutely fabulous and that I wished them the absolute best.  I would hug all my friends as tightly as I could.  I would draw lovely pictures on the whiteboard in my Western Thought classroom, but until the last day, I wouldn't sign my name.
That's the first week.  The nest two weeks I'd go traveling.  I'd soak up as much experience as I could.  I'd go to where the Colossus of Rhodes once stood.  I'd throw a penny into the Fontana di Trevi, even though I'd never be coming back.  I'd kiss a stranger in the moonlight on the Venetian canals.  I'd answer the riddle of the Great Sphinx - in front of the Great Sphinx.  I'd go to a Turkish bazaar.  I'd go to China and eat dragonfruit.  I'd go to Japan and wear a kimono and eat sushi, even though I hate sushi.  Then I'd sail to Hawaii and go surfing.  Finally, I'd go back to America.  I'd go to Oklahoma and see a tornado.  I'd come back home, three weeks older and none the wiser, and I'd paint everything I'd seen.  Then I'd say goodbye, without too much fuss, and I suppose I would just die.

Oh, and I also got a free coffee. :-)

Today... wow.  I got in a car accident.  Little one.  A guy in his late 70's (I'm guessing) stopped really suddenly, and I rear-ended him.  Nobody was hurt.  My bumper was a tad bit dented, but his was fine.  He said that if I would show him to a certain place on campus, he'd call it good.  We didn't even exchange names.  I got so lucky.  My parents would explode if I even got a ticket.  This might give them a heart attack.  I've only told Riley and Olivia.  I may tell Phina later on.

Superwoman

Well, you see, school starts soon, and I've got 7 classes.  (Only 17 credits though, because labs don't count for credits.)  I checked the final exam schedule and I've got back-to-back twice.  One is chemistry and calculus.  AND the Regional Competition is coming up.  I'm going to start training tomorrow, assuming I ever get to sleep tonight.  Pah.  Sleep.  Oh, I know, the competition is months away.  But some of the new black belts are good.  I've seen them fight.  I've got to be better, faster, stronger than they are.  I have to be able to last longer.  I have to be lightweight and fast.  I have to be able to take a hit without feeling it.  (Actually, I'm already fairly good at that.  Stubbornness and an unwillingness to show weakness can take care of that pretty quickly.)
This is going to be the year I do everything.
Watch me, world.  Watch me win.

Beauty

I wonder at the character of people who make such beautiful music.  They must have the loveliest souls.  I wonder about the state of my own soul.  Maybe this is why I haven't been able to make anything especially pretty lately.  Although that really doesn't apply, because I honestly haven't tried much lately.  All I know is that I when I draw the most beautiful pictures, or write the most beautiful stories, I feel inspired.  Like I'm not quite in control of what I'm doing.  Olivia would be very proud of this idea.

Dream Formula - The Cynic Project (it's labeled wrong on Youtube)  Check out the Raymond Wave Remix too. 

You're kidding me, right?

Okay, this is ridiculous.  My grades drop and suddenly everything is my fault.  The arguments between me and Sean are all my fault (and of course, I treated him terribly this past weekend (SARCASM SIGN HERE) when we went snowboarding - more on that later), the way I drive is reckless, and my attitude is shitty.  My mom doesn't want to pay money for me to go to school anymore, and she doesn't want me to hang out with Riley.  Screw that.  Screw her.  Funny thing, this is my life, and I am a legal adult.  I live here because the University won't let me live on my own until I'm a Junior.  I pay for my own gas, I make my own food, and really, I'm a fairly unobtrusive house guest BECAUSE I'M AT THE SCHOOL about 14 hours a day.  But fine, blame every fucking thing on me, because I guess somebody has to be the scapegoat.

Let me make this plain.

I will never show anybody this blog, just out of principle.  But if I were to show anyone, it would be Christian.  I would trust him with anything I say on here.

It's over.

Thank goodness.  Finals are over.  I whooped all the way home, shouting "YES!" over and over again in the privacy of my car.  I think I may have failed chem.  I think I aced everything else.  We shall see.

Wait, did I call him a bastard yet?

Okay, so I'm getting a little discouraged.  Listen, you know how people say that once you've been cheated on, you'll always be attracted to other guys who will eventually cheat on you?  Well, it's true.  Every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me.  And Riley - I'm still finding it hard to believe this - was always using me.  I've known him for 7 years.  He hung out with me a lot for two of those.  He used me for those two years.  He's still trying to.  And now that I won't have sex with him, he's criticizing my body, and saying the sex was never that good.  Funny, I recall him saying otherwise before.  But okay, I get it, it was just another line he threw out there.  I think I've run out of terrible things to call him.
I know I have real friends.  But right now I'm not having much fun.  We're supposed to get our calc II scores back today.  So far... wait, lemme check... nope, not back yet.  Honestly, getting them back the day after is great.  More than I should hope for.  But he said they'd be back today, so... yeah.  I'm going crack-up mad over here.

Just the way things go.

Well, Ace doesn't like me.  I told him casually that he should go skating with me sometime, and he said maybe.  And he likes skating.  So.  One last thing I must say before putting him out of my head (or at least in that way): Ace is sexy with stubble.  He hadn't shaved for a few days and damn.  Let me say that just one more time, in a louder voice.  DAMN.
Okay, I'm good now.

Re-reading...

Even now, looking at this post and thinking about how close I came sends chills down my back.  That was awesome.  But the more I think about it the more I can't believe we didn't get caught.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/dang.html

This still makes me feel good.  Evan is such a great guy.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/my-thoughts-wander.html

So.  Here's something weird.  The title of this post is "I like the way you think."  Usually all post URL's have the title at the end, or the title without prepositions or something.  Look at this one.  The funny thing is, that's the thing I was getting at.  I love the way he makes me think.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/way-he-makes-me-think.html

I still think swing dancing is this beautiful.  In fact, it's even better now.  I should text  Eric and see if he wants to start practicing again.  We did one week and were going to do it again, but I got busy (and presumably he did too) and we haven't done it since.  Swing dancing three days a week is not such a bad deal.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-sing-of-loveliness.html

There are actually a lot of places that I feel this way about.  Most are places that I've dreamed up.  A couple are places I've read about.  Only a few are places that I've actually seen pictures of.  There's no way some of them can possibly exist, but hey, maybe Heaven will have them.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/10/do-you-understand.html

Just dream of it... okay, so I was dramatic in this one, but really.  How amazing would that be?
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/10/maybe-i-wasnt-meant-for-settling.html

I feel great now.  Plus, I'm having a good hair day.  :-)  Although it's only 6 in the morning; might be too early to tell.

I'm doing this completely from memory, and for no purpose whatsoever.

Well, okay, I do have to memorize 20 trig identities before my test tomorrow (easy points on a hard test), but I could just as easily do this on paper.  I don't know why I'm not.
sin(x)=1/(csc(x))
csc(x)=1/(sin(x))
cos(x)=1/(sec(x))
sec(x)=1/(cos(x))
tan(x)=(sin(x))/(cos(x))
tan(x)=1/(cot(x))
cot(x)=(cos(x))/(sin(x))
cot(x)=1/(tan(x))
sin(a+b)=sin(a)cos(b)+cos(a)sin(b)
sin(a-b)=sin(a)cos(b)-cos(a)sin(b)
cos(a+b)=cos(a)cos(b)-sin(a)sin(b)
cos(a-b)=cos(a)cos(b)+sin(a)sin(b)
cos^2(x)+sin^2(x)=1
tan^2(x)+1=sec^2(x)
cot^2(x)+1=csc^2(x)
cos^2(x)=(1+cos(2x))/2
sin^2(x)=(1-cos(2x))/2

Grr.  I only remember 17.  "Back to the old drawing board."
^Not an appropriate quote, but deal with it.

KMN.

So, I forgot to mention this, but I went to Alex's house last night.  I wish I hadn't.  I mean, it's good that I did, because now I'm completely free of any desire to see him again whatsoever, but still.  I wish I could have figured out another way.  Put lightly, he never learned that no means no.  I don't even really want to talk about it.  I wasn't raped or anything.  But I can see now how girls who have been raped are never the same, because if what happened makes me feel so awful, it must be horrible for them.
I hate Alex.

Shut-down.

You remember when I said I was slightly tempted to date Alex?  Yeah, well, I'm not now.  Not at all.  I'm sorry, but I couldn't date anyone so completely unmotivated and so completely obsessed with sex.
I ended up sleeping in yesterday and not going skating, and, by extension, not asking Ace to go skating.  But it's okay.  I'll ask him winter quarter.
Christian is such a nice guy it's not even fair.  I say not even fair because - actually, no.  We're not even going to discuss this.  MY BRAIN and I aren't going to discuss this.  It will not be spoken of.
Math final tomorrow.  Intro to E final tomorrow.  Writing final Tuesday.  Western Thought final on Wednesday (at bloody 8 in the morning!) and Chem final on Wednesday.  I think it's time I let my brain stop thinking.  At least about guys.  And drama.  Jeez, so much drama.  Yuck.

Guys and other difficult matters. No, wait. Just guys.

Uggh.  Ian.  No.  Tell me, is this flirting?  Ian and I re-met the very first day of school.  I knew him from camp 4 years ago.  He was dating Olivia at the time.  We got along and starting meeting up every week to get coffee or doughnuts, etc.  Well, today, he was pretty quiet and I asked if he was tired.  He shook his head and said, "Just distracted.  You're very pretty."  My brain kinda yelled out loud then.  "CRAZY!  DID HE JUST SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID???"  I mean, this was just so completely uncharacteristic of him.  That kind of thing might be normal for other guys but this is Ian.  He's shy.  And I mean really, really shy.  I dearly hope he was not flirting with me.  I like the guy, but honestly, he is not my type and I don't think he ever will be.  If anyone reads this, I'd like a little insight on this subject...
Also, I'm going ice skating tomorrow.  I haven't found anyone to go with me yet though.  So... I'm going to ask Ace.  Just as friends, of course.  He likes ice skating.  But I'm still slightly nervous about it.  Still.  Can it hurt?
..................
.............
........
Oh yes it can.  Gaah!!!  I'm nervous as hell.  We'll see.  I might actually get up the guts.
Finally, for some reason, I hope Tyler's at the dance tomorrow night.  He's fun to talk to.  Hey, I'm not dating anyone yet.  I can flirt a little if I want. :-)

When I'm old, I'm going to look back on this day and smile.

So... today was long.  And good.  I'm so tired.  I pulled two almost all-nighters (I say almost because I took an hour-ish-long nap each time to keep me going) and took a chem test today.  I got an 80% on my calc test last week.  I was so sure I'd failed that!  I know that's not a great score or anything, but it means I can get a good grade in calc if I ace the final.
It's like the whole world conspired to give me a wonderful day.  Of course, I was bloody exhausted, but I enjoyed it.  First... let me remember.  I get the feeling something cool happened in calc, but I really can't remember.
Since I really have no idea if something awesome happened or not - I've been up for 65 hours!  That's a bloody long time! - we'll skip to the next part.  I went to write my paper in my classroom, which is always empty the period before our class.  This one guy was leftover from his class period and we talked for a bit, and then he said, have a great day, evening, dead week, finals, break.  Then he walked over to the white board and said, "Here, I'm drawing you a smiley face."  He proceeded to draw a smiley face.  "And how about a chipmunk?"  He drew the toothiest chipmunk you've ever seen.  "And... would you like to make it a super chipmunk?"  "Sure, if you have time."  He drew a mask, complete with a giant black 'S' displayed on the front.  And then he told me again to have a great day, and he left.  That was when I decided that my day had been made.  Right after that, I found out about my calc test.  And then, just before classes started, I jumped around in a bouncy house.  (They had three bouncy houses across campus for Dead Week.)  That was FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Blegh, brain is dying.)
I went again after class with Ace and Finn, and after that we all went to get something to eat.  I was drawing in my class, and I finished the drawing while drinking a smoothie.  Finn looked over and saw what I was doing, and he said it was GOOD!  After that, I stopped by my pastor's office.  It's been a long time since I was there.  I haven't had time, and for some reason I've felt guilty because I haven't been studying the Bible like I was going to, so I didn't go.  But he didn't care at all.  I started crying (pure exhaustion, I swear) and he gave me a hug.  After that we went into his office and he made cocoa, and we talked some.  Mostly just about what was going on in my life, and I showed him the drawing that I had done earlier.  (It was just a picture of a girl, BTW.  Nobody I know.  Just a random girl that might not even exist.)  He stared at it for a while and then said, "Holy smoke."  He thought it was really good too!
Next day (continuing now because I was too tired to finish last night)  And then... let's see.  I went swing dancing and I went to bed.  Slept in this morning.   Still tired.  Still happy.  And I got a flat tire today.  Had the stuff to fix it though so I was fine. 

And it goes down, down, down.

Today has been one of the most amazing days I've ever had.  Seriously epic.  Ace took me flying.  I raced on the backroads.  Riley's bitch moved out of his house. (Not sure if they're still together or what.)
Uggh.  I didn't get to finish that post last night, and now it's today, and I'm tired.  Just thinking about everything I have to do for tomorrow is exhausting.   I have a four page paper I haven't started, chem homework, a chem TEST, since the professor is letting me retake it (I failed it the first time - yuck!), a math assignment, and a reading.  I'm going to die.
My grades are bad (not failing, but bad), my mood is bad, and my schedule is terrifying.

Mixed signals.

Aha!  So, I keep changing my mind about whether or not Ace might like me, and I just realized - he is sending MIXED SIGNALS!  This seems like a revelation to me, although I should have gotten that earlier.
For some reason I am not bothered.  At this point, it could go either way, and I don't really have a lot of time to worry about this anyway.  So, I hope something happens, but if nothing does... ya know what?  There are a LOT of interesting people in college.  So I shall hardly be heartbroken.

Oh dear, and just as I was being logical too.

I danced with Ace last night.  For quite a while, actually.  No, I am not saying he likes me.  For now (and I don't expect this to last long) I am fine with just liking him.  Swing dancing is amazing and I would have had fun no matter what last night.  In fact, last night was the best night I have had in a VERY LONG TIME.  There was this one guy who was there (his name is also Aaron, but for the purpose of convenience I will add a subsequent '2' to his name), and he was an INCREDIBLE dancer.  I had more fun dancing with him than with anyone else, even Ace and Tyler.  But dancing with Ace was fun.  And dang it, I had just decided to get over him.  Thbbt.  Fat chance of that now...

Good life...

If I could just stop thinking for the next 48 hours or so, that would be great.  I think I failed my calc test this morning.  I can't  lose my scholarship - I won't be able to go to school anymore.
Evan somehow makes me feel better no matter what he says.  We don't even talk about what's going on, always, but I always like talking to him.
Ian also is great to talk to.  He's so patient... he never gets tired of listening and I think he actually believes in me.  For that matter, I think Evan does too.
Finally, Finn and Ariel always make me feel great too.  (They're not a couple, but they're like best friends and I have trouble thinking of them in separate sentences.)  They're very loud and funny and they always insist that you have fun.  You can't stay on the sidelines with them around.
I like the people at school. :-)

I terrify myself.

I am such a scary person.
It is so incredibly easy to just give up and not care about grades.  The amount of homework I have right now is unreal.  And somehow  I've got to clear up this madness with Alex.  We had kind of a disappointing conversation last night.  He mentioned that I waste my time on losers and jerks but I won't give him the time of day.  I feel really bad about this.  But the only way this would work is to date him, and if I did that, the moment Ace or - I shouldn't say this - Evan asked me out, I would regret being with him.  Of course, I'm assuming an awful lot, doing that.  Yes, yes, I KNOW that love is sometimes right in front of you, etc.  But aren't some things worth making sacrifices for?
At the same time, sometimes I can't help wishing I had boyfriend.  But here's the thing.  I'm pretty sure Alex wants sex.  And I don't.  Sometimes I get the urge, but for the most part whenever I think about having sex with ANYBODY, I feel sick.  I don't know how that happened.
The scary thing is that if he was willing to wait as long I needed before we had sex, I would probably date him.  It's really the best thing if I don't though.
One more scary thing: it's a good thing that Finn's got a girlfriend, because otherwise I would be in serious danger of falling in love with him.  That is all I will say on the subject.
I just got in a very kickass mood.  I've got a calc test and a chem test tomorrow, and I plan to ace them both.  Never mind that I'm crap at calculating pressure and temperature.  I will become not-crap at it.  Also, I'm beginning to like engineering.  Maybe I can do this after all.
My teacher is planning to have me test for my 2nd dan black belt next spring.  I remember almost every detail of my 1st dan test.  WOW was I nervous.  I messed up a couple of things.  But I did well, and I passed, and I'm going to do so much better this time.  In fact, right now I feel like I can do anything.
I can conquer the whole effin' world. :-)

I don't want to think about it.

Uggh.  I feel terrible right now.  I'm such an idiot.  Last year Riley cheated on his girlfriend.  With ME.  For the longest time, he told me they weren't official, and because I was so hopelessly in love with him, it was enough for me.  Turns out they were official.  And according to Alex, there were other girls he slept with at the same time.  I would never give up men (I couldn't) but it looks like I should be a little more careful.