Homework, prepare to be owned.

Uggh.  He Who Shall Not Be Named.  Shall no longer be called such.  His name is Ace.  That sounds like a stupid name but I like it and you will just have to deal with it. :-)
Also, I'm finally beginning to understand partial fraction expansion.
Crap, I have to get at least B's to keep my scholarship.  I didn't think it would be this hard.  I've always been a straight-A student.  Uggh.  Well, I'm going to get this.

Partial fraction decomposition...

... may be the death of me.  I'm so tired right now.  The school is about to do the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.  I just want to get some sleep.  I don't think I should be complaining though.  Goodness knows, this happens to every college student at some point.  4 in the morning isn't that bad.

Brain... dying...

And I've got another four hours before I start getting ready for school.  Yep, I'm pulling another all-nighter.  Yuck.  Somehow I've got to survive tomorrow without collapsing.
Okay, 6 hours later, and I actually didn't stay up all night.  I went to bed about an hour later.  I'm still tired.  But I've got a paper still, so I'm gonna be a big girl and tough it out.
I almost went flying with He Who Shall Not Be Named yesterday.  (Speaking of which, I'll give him a name soon.  I'm tired of typing that.)  We couldn't get the engine started though, because it was cold and it was a weird engine on a "dinky little plane."  I had fun though.  Don't know if he did or not.

Hate you so much.

So, first Isaac sends an email full of insults and f-words.  Then he sends another email bursting with "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s.  I want to kill him.  I hate him.  I hate how creepy he is, and I hate how close we once were.  I want to break his jaw.  At the very least.  I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.  Ass.  Fucking get a LIFE!!!!!!!!

The proverbial shit...

... has hit the fan.  Isaac asked if I still thought it would be a good idea if he moved down here.  And I said no.  I've been thinking this for AGES but didn't say a thing about it, and for some reason he randomly asked that, and then everything went down from there.
He's talking about killing himself.  I almost don't feel sorry for him.  In fact, no, I don't.  I could, but he's so self-pitying that he really doesn't need me too.  I'm being horrible, I know.  But he's not just annoying, he's creepy.  It sends shudders down my back.  Kid you not.  It makes me feel sick inside.  I really can't stand him sometimes.
He's still my brother, and I want him to have a good life.  But I'm not his fucking salvation.
And he's REALLY being a jackass right now.

Somebody was nice today...

Um... okay.  Wow.  I guess that there are some good people around.  Okay, that's a ridiculous statement.  I already knew that there were good people.  But tonight I met one.  A really good person.  A great person, even.  And it makes me feel better.  He made me feel better.  My brain is a little fried... I guess I miss people being that nice.  But tonight, even though it sucked really horribly in some places, was a good night.

I do not have a good title for this post.

Alex said he likes me.  Has for months.  WHAT DO I DO???
Now I feel horrible.  I like somebody else.  A lot.  WHY WHY WHY MUST LIFE BE SO FRIGGIN' COMPLICATED!!!!!!

Dang...

So, the other day, I went street racing in the loosest sense.  I met up with a few friends at DQ, and as we pulled out of the parking lot, one of them dashed out and swerved past me.  I tailed them for several miles, both of us going about 30 miles over the speed limit, until I got the chance to pass her just before we got to the college.  Thing is, there was a cop near one of the churches we passed.  If you get caught speeding that much, you lose your license, and sometimes they'll impound your car.  He must have been sleeping or something, because he never stopped us.  That is probably the most illegal thing I've done so far.  I don't think I'll make a habit of it.  It was thrilling, but frankly, I like having my license.
I will say though, that I'm still running on the adrenalin high.  Nothing much like getting away with something like that.

"I like the way you think."

It seems that my school friends care more than my old friends, sometimes.  I don't know if it's a talent, or if it's real, but they make you feel like they are actually interested in you.  Especially Evan, and sometimes Finn.
Evan and I talk sometimes... about the most unexpected things.  Every time he says something I have to reevaluate him.  I like him more each time we talk.  We've talked about careers.  I know why he wants to be a doctor.  The way he described it almost made me want to be one too.  He knows why I don't want to be an engineer.  He's encouraging me to go for what I want.  I don't know why, but the way he says stuff is always so much more compelling than the way most people say it.  I think he sees the world just a little differently.  I like seeing it his way once in a while, but I think I like my way too.

Oh, and BTW, I am dangerously close to falling in love.

No more complaining.  I'm not going to.  At least not in real life.  I'm going to try not to on here, but I might some, just to get it out when there's too much.

On second thought...

So, ignore that last post.  Sentimentality is very much alive.  I was just being dramatic, I guess.  Yikes.

Coldblooded?

I have lost pretty much all sense of sentimentality.  On the one hand, this makes me feel kinda cool, like some sort of untouchable goddess.  On the other... I guess I can see how it would be bad.  But I still like it.  I don't mind being a little weird.

Men are so damn weird.

Uggh.  Really?  Isaac, stop being so sensitive.  It's laughable and downright fucking irritating that you think you're the only one who has problems.
About He Who Shall Not Be Named... I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me.  Oh well.  No big.
Really.  Jeez.  Even Gavin wasn't a big deal.
Well, so far, Ian and Evan are awfully nice guys, and they haven't made a move.  I don't think either of them would unless they thought I wanted them to.  That is SUCH A GOOD FEELING.
Especially after Riley - yes, Riley - made another pass at me.  Wanted me to send him nude pictures.  Ass.  I know he genuinely cares about me, but... uggh.  I don't even know how to finish that sentence.  He's such a contradiction of character.

FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!  Jeez, guys, give me a break!  I'm working on it!  Don't you fucking get it?  I'm actually trying here!  No, I don't have fucking A's this quarter.  What does that mean?  That I'm not smart enough or that I'm not trying, but NOT BOTH!  LET ME HANDLE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE!!!!!

Oh. Yes.

This is my new love.  Guns, games, and music.  Doesn't get a lot better.

Guys...

I dreamed about Evan last night.  Wow.  That dream was enough to make anyone fall in love with anybody, just about.  Okay, well, obviously not, since I'm not in love with Evan.  But for an hour or so I sure was.
He drove me back to the college last night, from a mutual friend's house.  He asked me to get some good sleep.  I don't know why, but every time it seems like somebody honestly cares about me - especially somebody who barely knows me, like him - I start feeling weird.  Happy in a way, and very sad in another.
Tyler, a guy I met last weekend at swing dancing, sent me a Facebook message exclaiming over the fact that I wasn't there last night.  He's a flirt.  And I have fun flirting with him, but I know his type.  He's like Gavin.  The moment I show too much interest, he'll drop me.  And somehow (and very convenient this is), this makes me considerably less attracted to him.  But I will admit that he is fun to talk to.  I enjoy mental sparring just as much physical sparring.

Just because I'm occasionally a dumbass...

Dude... gotta get laid.  Now, before you say anything, I am NOT that type of girl.  I am not going to go out hunting for sex.  I'm not even going to accept random offers, should that unlikely scenario occur.  No, I'm pretty picky.  That being said... fantasies are becoming more and more frequent.  Heaven forbid He Who Shall Not Be Named make any sort of sexual move - I'd like to keep my respect and my defenses are awfully low.  Jeez.  I really haven't learned, have I?  Elliot, Riley, Gavin... the first one humiliated me, the second broke my heart, and the third was probably the worst fucking jackass I've ever met.  And here I am again, crushing madly on... grrr, I want to give him a name.  But no.

F-f-fingers... n-n-n-numb.

Grrrr.  Must.  Stop. Thinking.  About.  UN-NAMEABLE PERSON!!!!!!
Okay, no longer thinking about He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Still not thinking about him...
Dang it.
So, I think that MAYBE I can still get straight A's.  It's a little weird, sitting outside in the freezing cold air outside the arts building.  I rarely frequent this area.  I'm not exactly in any art classes, or music classes either.  I'm playing music on my laptop though - I bet it would be fun to dance to.  I oughtta suggest that to the swing dance people... I've gotta come up with a better name for them.  My fingers are kinda numb right now; it's getting hard to type.  For some reason I like it though.  Fuck, I wanna dance so bad right now.  I LOVE dancing.  I didn't think it would be this much fun.  Okay, that was weird.  I that I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and it was just a tree.  I feel smart now...
I want to do something crazy.  Like, really, really crazy.  On the brink of recklessly idiotic.  Hmm.  I need to do something weird once in a while or I go crazy.  Like, truly, honest-to-goodness insane.
A random guy just called out and asked if I was cold.  Actually, I wasn't cold until recently.  I was perfectly fine when I came out here.  Now I'm quite literally frigid.  Oh well; too bad.  I told you I had to do something unusual once in a while.  So here I am, this being one of my once-in-a-while's.  I rather like it.  For some reason I also like the strange looks I'm getting.  I'm going to do these once-in-a while's more often.  I think the fact that I'm not wearing a jacket kind of adds to the whole thing.  However, if I sit out here much longer, I will freeze to death, and then weird animals will start picking at my bones.  I am not really a fan of that.
Oh, thbbbt.  I'm not thinking about He Who Shall Not Be Named.  This is like The Game.  Which I just lost.  Hmm.  About 25 minutes until I can come in from the frigid air and study for chemistry.  Actually not looking forward to that very much.  I may actually get off soon and start walking around.
Or I may not.  Yeah, I think I'll go with not for now.  Kinda want to see Riley.  It's been a while since we really hung out.  He's still kind of my best friend... I think.  But it's kind of weird to have a best friend whom you never see.  I really want to go snowboarding.  It's been pretty much forever.  It's better than swing-dancing.  Well, I think it is.  It's been so long.
I wonder how long this blog post will be.  Feels like it's going to get pretty long.  Especially if I sit out here for the remainder of the... 15 minutes I have until I meet him.  I do have to get my calc book though.  Am I boring you guys?  Hmm?  I'm not being particularly interesting right now.  I'm not even gabbling about the inner workings of my mind.  (Which, I assure you, are interesting.)  Too bad.  This is my blog.  I can gabble all I want about whatever I want.  And now, I'm going to get my book and walk the million miles to the library.  Oh, BTW, I don't think I mentioned this, but I was poking around the arts building, and I saw He Who Shall Not Be Named, along with a bunch of other students playing in the orchestra.  I like a guy who can play music.  Sexy.
NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM!!!

Just a little grin...

Clocks - Coldplay just came on in the DX.  Made my day.  STILL making my day.

Just got motivated, somehow.

I'm sure now more than ever that no matter how bad people say other countries are, I've got to go see them.  I need more than this tiny place!   I've GOT TO GET OUT.  I'm getting a little cramped.  It's the same sort of claustrophobia I got when I got jammed (yes, literally STUCK) in a corner of the cave we went to visit when I was 12.  I felt like screaming.  I still do whenever I think about it.
But I've also had another revelation - I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.  I could see the whole world and still not have enough.  I'm always going to need something new, which doesn't really bode well for my happiness.  I feel like one of those awful people who, as soon as they get a girl/guy, immediately start searching for something new.  I'm not like that with people.  I'm perfectly happy with the same group of friends, and (not that I have a lot to base this off of) I'm pretty sure that I would have the same attitude towards a boyfriend.  But I think I'm always going to want new surroundings.  I just don't see how I can do that.
But... I don't really have much choice, do I?  I'm not just going to sit here.

A myriad of thingymabobbery brain particles.

So... you may have noticed that there is a certain young man I have been thinking about.  I may or may not have been day-dreaming about him as well.  You decide.  You may have also noticed that I haven't mentioned his name.  Well, too bad.  He does not get a name in here yet.  Even though I rather like him.  And even though he has his pilot's license.  Which is INCREDIBLY COOL!!!!!!  No.  He is He Who Shall Not Be Named.  (I actually haven't read Harry Potter, but I plan on it, and I do know who that is.  I am not committing a heresy of sorts.  I am merely trying to piss off anyone who thinks that there is only one of them.)
I went over to Alex's last night.  And you wanna know something?  I had a good time.  Yes, he made a move, but I fended it off and he was okay with it.  We watched Fast Five.  It was a pretty good evening.  In fact, last night was the first time in a long time when I felt like we were good friends.  Makes me feel fuzzyish inside.
Isaac is driving me insane.  He is so sensitive!  Uggh!  Every time we have the slightest argument, he thinks I'm really mad at him.  He's ALWAYS apologizing.  It actually is starting to make me mad.  He's so utterly pathetic.  I can't stand listening to him sometimes.  I'm trying to be fair - maybe his life does suck right now - but it's nearly impossible.
Well, the fuzzy mood is utterly gone now.  Which is just as well.  I just got out of a class with He Who Shall Not Be Named and it is very hard to not look at him once in a while.  But I managed it, and only turned my head to look at him when he was talking, just like everybody else did.  I can't afford to really like anyone right now, I guess.  Least of all someone who's probably even busier than I am.
I officially have a dancing partner.  One of the guys who's really good at this, Eric, doesn't have anyone to practice with anymore, and he texted me to see if I wanted to.  So we're starting tonight.  I love swing dancing so much.

Well, well, well.

I did mention a crush on someone, didn't I?  Yeah well, that SOMEONE called today to ask if I wanted to go flying with him!  We were at a dinner for a school thing on Friday night and somehow I found out that he was a pilot and I asked if he ever took people up with him.  I didn't even give him my number, he got it himself somehow.  This is making me ridiculously happy, even though I had to say no because I had to work on a project.

It's back.

Uggh.  No.  Not again.  This can't be happening.  I don't know how this happened.  I don't know what to do about it.  This is the end of my life as I know it.
I've got a crush.  The horror.
 

My thoughts wander.

Well, I never went to bed last night.  I've been up for nearly 40 hours.  Anyway, I somehow made it through school until the middle of honors writing, and then I fell asleep.  I woke up about 5 minutes before class ended.  I fall asleep in about one class per day.  Anyway, I was the first one out of class, so I held the door open for people, and the first one out was Evan.  He took the door from me and asked, "So how've you been doing these past few days?  You've been falling asleep a lot in class."  Now, Evan rarely talks to me.  I mean, he doesn't avoid me or anything, but for the most part he has his friends and I pretend to have my friends.  (I do have friends, I just don't end up sitting with them a lot.)  He's never shown any particular interest in my life.  It was honestly nice to have someone ask me how I was doing.  It's probably just out-of-whack hormones from lack of sleep talking, but thinking about it makes me either want to hug him or start crying.
I suspect hugging Evan would be nice.

I sing of loveliness

Everybody was texting me today!!!!!  It feels like it anyway.  Riley, Alex, my mentor, my parents, Ellie, Issac, Monty, and a new guy I met today who's teaching me how to swing dance.  I love it.  As in, I will be doing it the rest of my life.  And I think that for a beginner, I'm fairly good at it.
I could go on forever about swing dancing - it's so fluid, so beautiful, but kind of sexy at the same time.  And I don't mean my partner was sexy.  The dance was sexy, in the subtlest way, like a long-lashed girl peeking from behind her books or a guy sticking his hands in his pockets and shrugging (which for some reason, I find unbelievably sexy).  I wish I could explain it better.  It wasn't even that the dance brought you close to the other person.  The laughter does that.  The dance brings you closer to it, until you see the other person as another part of the dance, and you are both moving as naturally as breathing.  This is when the world fades into the background and you come forward, and you are part of the dance and so is the other person.  And at the same time, you are part of the world, and you are alive and it doesn't matter if you are clumsy or ugly or if you are failing that math class.  At that moment, everything is beautiful.

Get it yet????

Okay, Alex, just drop it already.  Sure, I might want to hang out with you, but NOT FOR SEX!  So FUCKING LET IT BE!!!

I don't know what to do.

Okay, I really don't want Isaac to come over here and live with me.  (Remember my brother?)  It'll kill him if I tell him.
But anyway - and there's no way I can tell anyone this - I feel uncomfortable around him.  Not like he would do anything, but like he's a little fuzzy on the boundaries.  He always says he loves me (I mean, sure, brothers and sisters love eachother, but they don't say it THAT often) and always wants a hug and it seems to me that he's borderline psychotic about it.  It's scaring me.