Every damn guy.

So, it seems all guys are the same.  Guess what.  Aaron tried coming on to me last night.  Yep.  He asked what I meant by picky (I had mentioned, in answer to a question, that I needed to get laid, but I was being very picky about it) and then he asked if he met those standards!!  With a wink!  I kind of want to hit him!  I'm NOT that cute - not ugly by any definition, but hardly breathtaking anyway.  I have good days and bad days, and I'm not being modest about this.  Modesty isn't really my thing anyway.  So why the HELL is it that every guy I'm friends with tries this at some point???  So far, Miguel and Ian haven't tried anything.  Miguel already had a crush on me once, so that's over and not likely to come back.  And I really can't see Ian asking me ANYTHING like that.
There are some things I would do anything for.

Do you understand?

I saw something beautiful today.  It was so beautiful that I literally felt a twinge in my chest - not in my heart, exactly, but somewhere thereabouts.  It was just a picture - a magnificent picture, but a picture nonetheless.  It's just amazing to think that that place exists on this planet somewhere.  I've got to find it.

I guess... that works.

I love the song “Gonna be a Good Life” by One Republic.  It makes you actually believe that there are good things ahead.  I haven’t exactly been feeling that lately, and I’ve needed it.  But come on, why shouldn’t my life go well?  I’m smart enough.  I’ve got plenty of friends.  I’m in a good school, engineering is a good career, and there’s a lot of opportunities.  The problem, I think, is that I don’t know what the future will be.  I like to know these kinds of things.  But maybe it doesn’t matter.  Maybe I’ll have a good life anyway.  I don’t have to know everything at once.

Although, dang it, I WANT TO SO BAD!!!!!  Riley and I are okay now.  That's a relief.  Although... he can still be maddening.  But I get the feeling we'll always have that sort of relationship.  Right now, it doesn't bother me.  I'm much more tolerant of things when I'm happy.

I don't have the words for you, Riley.

Riley, you fucking jerk.  Seriously?  You wanted to have sex?  Again?  With me?  Asshole.  And the moment I say, no, I don't want to that, you stop texting me?  We are not friends anymore.  We'll see if I can even manage to be civil to you next time we meet.  You make Gavin seem like a sweetheart.

I appreciate it.

Fuck you, Riley.  What happened to my best friend?  The one who actually started crying because I was so hurt?  Now, you won't even listen to me.  You don't have the fucking time.  I don't know how you do it, but somehow you ingrain yourself into people's hearts, and they can't ever let go of you.  They can never stop caring.  I wonder how many people you're hurting right now.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  You don't know what you did to me and what you're still doing!  You don't know how much I depended on you - you said you would always be there.  There was a reason I never need help from you.  It's because I knew if I did, you would be there.  Somehow that kept me from needing help.  And now you've totally backed out on your promises; you're wasting your time on a girl who doesn't care about you and forgetting your real friends, your family, and God.  And I can't even help you.  And you can't help yourself.
And you've ruined me.
And I don't have any fucking clue why.

Analyzing myself.

So, Alex is kind of a jackass.  I'm pretty happy with Riley though.  I failed a test recently - 58% - and he still has complete faith in me that I can get in A.  (This is Calc II, BTW.)  He rarely says things like that.
I've started studying to be baptized.  Olivia is thrilled.  I always have questions - I come up with a couple new ones for each question he answers.  I haven't stumped him yet though.  I'm not sure I will.  I almost want to.  I want to know everything, but I know I can't. 
I feel like a bitch.  I can't be nice to anyone anymore, it seems.  I flirt with people all the time.  I dropped doing things with Alex, because he was just using me.  Riley was right about that guy at least.  I treat my family like crap.
I think I saw Gavin today.  I was on my way to grab a doughnut and a car passed.  I was in a good mood, and I was smiling at pretty much the entire world, and all the people in it, including those in the cars passing me.  I saw a guy in the driver's seat do a double take and stare at me for a good five seconds.  I could swear it was Gavin.  Curses.  He's a fucker.  Why can't I get him out of my head?
Or, for that matter, the guy in my honors class.  How can I be so fickle?  I'd like to forget about all guys.  Fat chance of that.  Maybe I'm just body-hungry.  That's my term for when I want the physical part of the relationship so much that it's all I think about.  But... that can't be it.  There are certain people I like but would never cross that line with, and it's not because they aren't hot.  Well, it's almost that, at any rate.  Still.  This is ridiculous.

Hey, I'm a grown woman. (Warning: I will no longer give warnings for strong language and adult content. I'm tired of it.)

Means that every now and then I get urges to have sex.  It seems that for the moment (for quite a while, actually) I will be unsatisfied.  College is great.  And, I finally found out what I want to do with my engineering degree which I was so uncertain about signing up for.  With any luck, Obama will stop being such an ass (or he'll get kicked out of office - either works for me, really) and NASA will reopen their manned space flight program.  If they do, I'll become an astronaut.  If not, I'll get my degree, go through flight school and basic training, and become a test pilot for fighter jets.
It's thrilling to finally know what I want to do.  I've needed this.  Plus the social life in college is pretty awesome.  Aside from the fact that I rarely see my old friends.  I see Ellie once in a while.  I haven't seen Riley or Aaron since school started.  Ian and I have a standing date at the bakery every week, and we talk on Facebook a lot.  I talk to Olivia on Facebook too.  I haven't seen Miguel in a long, LONG time.  And of course, my old friend Phina - I talk to her about once a week over the phone.  This is kind of making me wonder how much Riley and I are friends.  We are - if we're in trouble, we can call and both of us would go through fire and water for the other person - but we never see eachother.  We're both so busy.
Speaking of busy, it's 2:30 in the morning, and I've got a calc test I should sleep for. :-)

Awkward...

So, my parents found out that Riley and I had sex.  But it doesn't matter.  I'm a bit old for them to punish me.  Although it does make things rather uncomfortable.
Update - I never finished this post when I started it a couple days ago.  Apparently, my mom is - not okay with - accepting the fact that people occasionally have sex.  Also that I will probably do it again at some point.  Wow.
Also... hmm.  There's a lot going on, I guess.  It's gonna have to wait until tomorrow at some point.  I've got some work to do right now.

So I theorize...

It's a marvel that after all this time, Riley can still make me cry.  We used to be best friends.  How could he forget that?  Why can't I?
I'm pathetic.  I don't have time for this anymore.

No.

I used to be loved... I remember it.

DUMBASS!!!!!!! (Oh yeah - warning: strong language.)

So I have another person to add to my list of dumb people - my brother Isaac.  He wants to have sex (his first time, BTW) with a girl who fucked him over.  I sincerely wish I'd never known.  Now he's apologizing profusely and I'm sick of it.  He's always depressed.  I'm feeling smothered.  But if I tell him that, he'll get even more depressed and probably kill himself.  Fuck.
I also called Riley and he couldn't talk.  He asked what was up and I said I'd had a shitty day, and he said that he was just about to go to bed.  Asshole.  Really?  If you had said that I would have stayed up. ASSHOLE!!!!!  I thought you were my best friend!
I'm talking to Alex on FB.  He's not saying anything sexual for once.  Good.  I can't handle that right now.  He's being a friend.  I need that.  Hard not to cry right now.  So much at once.  I don't feel like I'm alright, even though I know for a definite fact that I am.
Feeling better now.  Still hate this.

Integrals suck. (Warning: while I do not know yet, there will probably be strong language.)

Just when I thought I had integrals figured out (or at least those where the trapezoidal rule is involved), I find out I missed something.  Like I said in the title, they suck.
WAIT!
Breaking news!  Lost girl solves integral.
Crazy Lady has solved the first problem in the set involving the trapezoidal rule!  Says Crazy, "What next?  I intend to keep going.  Why would I stop here?  There are so many more integrals to find!"  We await Crazy's next mathematical feat with breathless anticipation.

Hmm.  No strong language here after all.

Well, yeah, there is that one word... (Warning: strong language)

Great.  I just practically yelled at Isaac.  I fucking suck.   I hate myself.  I'm an ass.  I want to go out and kill someone.  I want to kill myself.  Well, not really.  I haven't honestly wanted that for a LONG time.  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yes, you just read that word five times in a row.
I'm a bitch.
Also, fuck the substitution method for integrals.

And here we have a classic example of badicus moodicus. (Warning: one teeny-tiny little swear word)

My good mood's a bit shot.  I found out that the university I attend has a pottery class, and I was planning to sign up for it.  Unfortunately, it's at the same time as my honors writing class next quarter.  Then I broke a jar in the kitchen.  Then Isaac said I was wearing a joke thin.  Which isn't a huge deal but for some reason it bugged me anyway.  And on top of all of that, Oscar is a total ass.  And I miss Riley the way he used to be.  Sometimes it still shows through, but it would be nice if it did more often.  And I think I've overscheduled myself this quarter.  And duh, I'll be doing it again next quarter.
On the upside, Ellie's been great.  Goodness knows her life is shitty enough, but she's still there when you need her.

Maybe I wasn’t meant for settling...

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this – so stuck, so trapped, longing for the edges of the outside world.  Begging myself to settle for the best life, instead of racing towards the dangerous one.  Dreaming of the innate wildness of the Scottish Highlands; the spiced, dusty fragrance of a Turkish bazaar; the turquoise depths of the Polynesian sea; the filled silence of a remote island; the bizarre hospitality of Thailand.

Thinking about it only makes it worse.  I don’t want to stay here my whole life.  It would never be enough; I would always be unsatisfied, no matter how many degrees I earn or how many kids I have.