If I had a month to live...

I'd go dancing every night for a week.  I'd whirl around and forget everything for a little while.
During the day I would spend as much time with my family and my friends as I could.  I would go to a theme park, because I've never been to one.  I would slide down the long stair rail at church.  I wouldn't tell anyone I was dying except my pastor, and maybe Christian.  Not until the end, anyway.  I would borrow Riley's Camaro and drive as fast as it could go on the back roads.  I would do all the things with my siblings I'd been promising I would do.  I'd go to classes, but I wouldn't do the homework, except for maybe the reading homework.  I'd write my story, short as it is.  I'd learn to play the prettiest version of the Moonlight Sonata.  I would tell Christian, Evan, and Finn that they were absolutely fabulous and that I wished them the absolute best.  I would hug all my friends as tightly as I could.  I would draw lovely pictures on the whiteboard in my Western Thought classroom, but until the last day, I wouldn't sign my name.
That's the first week.  The nest two weeks I'd go traveling.  I'd soak up as much experience as I could.  I'd go to where the Colossus of Rhodes once stood.  I'd throw a penny into the Fontana di Trevi, even though I'd never be coming back.  I'd kiss a stranger in the moonlight on the Venetian canals.  I'd answer the riddle of the Great Sphinx - in front of the Great Sphinx.  I'd go to a Turkish bazaar.  I'd go to China and eat dragonfruit.  I'd go to Japan and wear a kimono and eat sushi, even though I hate sushi.  Then I'd sail to Hawaii and go surfing.  Finally, I'd go back to America.  I'd go to Oklahoma and see a tornado.  I'd come back home, three weeks older and none the wiser, and I'd paint everything I'd seen.  Then I'd say goodbye, without too much fuss, and I suppose I would just die.

Oh, and I also got a free coffee. :-)

Today... wow.  I got in a car accident.  Little one.  A guy in his late 70's (I'm guessing) stopped really suddenly, and I rear-ended him.  Nobody was hurt.  My bumper was a tad bit dented, but his was fine.  He said that if I would show him to a certain place on campus, he'd call it good.  We didn't even exchange names.  I got so lucky.  My parents would explode if I even got a ticket.  This might give them a heart attack.  I've only told Riley and Olivia.  I may tell Phina later on.

Superwoman

Well, you see, school starts soon, and I've got 7 classes.  (Only 17 credits though, because labs don't count for credits.)  I checked the final exam schedule and I've got back-to-back twice.  One is chemistry and calculus.  AND the Regional Competition is coming up.  I'm going to start training tomorrow, assuming I ever get to sleep tonight.  Pah.  Sleep.  Oh, I know, the competition is months away.  But some of the new black belts are good.  I've seen them fight.  I've got to be better, faster, stronger than they are.  I have to be able to last longer.  I have to be lightweight and fast.  I have to be able to take a hit without feeling it.  (Actually, I'm already fairly good at that.  Stubbornness and an unwillingness to show weakness can take care of that pretty quickly.)
This is going to be the year I do everything.
Watch me, world.  Watch me win.

Beauty

I wonder at the character of people who make such beautiful music.  They must have the loveliest souls.  I wonder about the state of my own soul.  Maybe this is why I haven't been able to make anything especially pretty lately.  Although that really doesn't apply, because I honestly haven't tried much lately.  All I know is that I when I draw the most beautiful pictures, or write the most beautiful stories, I feel inspired.  Like I'm not quite in control of what I'm doing.  Olivia would be very proud of this idea.

Dream Formula - The Cynic Project (it's labeled wrong on Youtube)  Check out the Raymond Wave Remix too. 

You're kidding me, right?

Okay, this is ridiculous.  My grades drop and suddenly everything is my fault.  The arguments between me and Sean are all my fault (and of course, I treated him terribly this past weekend (SARCASM SIGN HERE) when we went snowboarding - more on that later), the way I drive is reckless, and my attitude is shitty.  My mom doesn't want to pay money for me to go to school anymore, and she doesn't want me to hang out with Riley.  Screw that.  Screw her.  Funny thing, this is my life, and I am a legal adult.  I live here because the University won't let me live on my own until I'm a Junior.  I pay for my own gas, I make my own food, and really, I'm a fairly unobtrusive house guest BECAUSE I'M AT THE SCHOOL about 14 hours a day.  But fine, blame every fucking thing on me, because I guess somebody has to be the scapegoat.

Let me make this plain.

I will never show anybody this blog, just out of principle.  But if I were to show anyone, it would be Christian.  I would trust him with anything I say on here.

It's over.

Thank goodness.  Finals are over.  I whooped all the way home, shouting "YES!" over and over again in the privacy of my car.  I think I may have failed chem.  I think I aced everything else.  We shall see.

Wait, did I call him a bastard yet?

Okay, so I'm getting a little discouraged.  Listen, you know how people say that once you've been cheated on, you'll always be attracted to other guys who will eventually cheat on you?  Well, it's true.  Every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me.  And Riley - I'm still finding it hard to believe this - was always using me.  I've known him for 7 years.  He hung out with me a lot for two of those.  He used me for those two years.  He's still trying to.  And now that I won't have sex with him, he's criticizing my body, and saying the sex was never that good.  Funny, I recall him saying otherwise before.  But okay, I get it, it was just another line he threw out there.  I think I've run out of terrible things to call him.
I know I have real friends.  But right now I'm not having much fun.  We're supposed to get our calc II scores back today.  So far... wait, lemme check... nope, not back yet.  Honestly, getting them back the day after is great.  More than I should hope for.  But he said they'd be back today, so... yeah.  I'm going crack-up mad over here.

Just the way things go.

Well, Ace doesn't like me.  I told him casually that he should go skating with me sometime, and he said maybe.  And he likes skating.  So.  One last thing I must say before putting him out of my head (or at least in that way): Ace is sexy with stubble.  He hadn't shaved for a few days and damn.  Let me say that just one more time, in a louder voice.  DAMN.
Okay, I'm good now.

Re-reading...

Even now, looking at this post and thinking about how close I came sends chills down my back.  That was awesome.  But the more I think about it the more I can't believe we didn't get caught.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/dang.html

This still makes me feel good.  Evan is such a great guy.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/my-thoughts-wander.html

So.  Here's something weird.  The title of this post is "I like the way you think."  Usually all post URL's have the title at the end, or the title without prepositions or something.  Look at this one.  The funny thing is, that's the thing I was getting at.  I love the way he makes me think.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/way-he-makes-me-think.html

I still think swing dancing is this beautiful.  In fact, it's even better now.  I should text  Eric and see if he wants to start practicing again.  We did one week and were going to do it again, but I got busy (and presumably he did too) and we haven't done it since.  Swing dancing three days a week is not such a bad deal.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-sing-of-loveliness.html

There are actually a lot of places that I feel this way about.  Most are places that I've dreamed up.  A couple are places I've read about.  Only a few are places that I've actually seen pictures of.  There's no way some of them can possibly exist, but hey, maybe Heaven will have them.
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/10/do-you-understand.html

Just dream of it... okay, so I was dramatic in this one, but really.  How amazing would that be?
http://movefastmakeitlast.blogspot.com/2011/10/maybe-i-wasnt-meant-for-settling.html

I feel great now.  Plus, I'm having a good hair day.  :-)  Although it's only 6 in the morning; might be too early to tell.

I'm doing this completely from memory, and for no purpose whatsoever.

Well, okay, I do have to memorize 20 trig identities before my test tomorrow (easy points on a hard test), but I could just as easily do this on paper.  I don't know why I'm not.
sin(x)=1/(csc(x))
csc(x)=1/(sin(x))
cos(x)=1/(sec(x))
sec(x)=1/(cos(x))
tan(x)=(sin(x))/(cos(x))
tan(x)=1/(cot(x))
cot(x)=(cos(x))/(sin(x))
cot(x)=1/(tan(x))
sin(a+b)=sin(a)cos(b)+cos(a)sin(b)
sin(a-b)=sin(a)cos(b)-cos(a)sin(b)
cos(a+b)=cos(a)cos(b)-sin(a)sin(b)
cos(a-b)=cos(a)cos(b)+sin(a)sin(b)
cos^2(x)+sin^2(x)=1
tan^2(x)+1=sec^2(x)
cot^2(x)+1=csc^2(x)
cos^2(x)=(1+cos(2x))/2
sin^2(x)=(1-cos(2x))/2

Grr.  I only remember 17.  "Back to the old drawing board."
^Not an appropriate quote, but deal with it.

KMN.

So, I forgot to mention this, but I went to Alex's house last night.  I wish I hadn't.  I mean, it's good that I did, because now I'm completely free of any desire to see him again whatsoever, but still.  I wish I could have figured out another way.  Put lightly, he never learned that no means no.  I don't even really want to talk about it.  I wasn't raped or anything.  But I can see now how girls who have been raped are never the same, because if what happened makes me feel so awful, it must be horrible for them.
I hate Alex.

Shut-down.

You remember when I said I was slightly tempted to date Alex?  Yeah, well, I'm not now.  Not at all.  I'm sorry, but I couldn't date anyone so completely unmotivated and so completely obsessed with sex.
I ended up sleeping in yesterday and not going skating, and, by extension, not asking Ace to go skating.  But it's okay.  I'll ask him winter quarter.
Christian is such a nice guy it's not even fair.  I say not even fair because - actually, no.  We're not even going to discuss this.  MY BRAIN and I aren't going to discuss this.  It will not be spoken of.
Math final tomorrow.  Intro to E final tomorrow.  Writing final Tuesday.  Western Thought final on Wednesday (at bloody 8 in the morning!) and Chem final on Wednesday.  I think it's time I let my brain stop thinking.  At least about guys.  And drama.  Jeez, so much drama.  Yuck.

Guys and other difficult matters. No, wait. Just guys.

Uggh.  Ian.  No.  Tell me, is this flirting?  Ian and I re-met the very first day of school.  I knew him from camp 4 years ago.  He was dating Olivia at the time.  We got along and starting meeting up every week to get coffee or doughnuts, etc.  Well, today, he was pretty quiet and I asked if he was tired.  He shook his head and said, "Just distracted.  You're very pretty."  My brain kinda yelled out loud then.  "CRAZY!  DID HE JUST SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID???"  I mean, this was just so completely uncharacteristic of him.  That kind of thing might be normal for other guys but this is Ian.  He's shy.  And I mean really, really shy.  I dearly hope he was not flirting with me.  I like the guy, but honestly, he is not my type and I don't think he ever will be.  If anyone reads this, I'd like a little insight on this subject...
Also, I'm going ice skating tomorrow.  I haven't found anyone to go with me yet though.  So... I'm going to ask Ace.  Just as friends, of course.  He likes ice skating.  But I'm still slightly nervous about it.  Still.  Can it hurt?
..................
.............
........
Oh yes it can.  Gaah!!!  I'm nervous as hell.  We'll see.  I might actually get up the guts.
Finally, for some reason, I hope Tyler's at the dance tomorrow night.  He's fun to talk to.  Hey, I'm not dating anyone yet.  I can flirt a little if I want. :-)

When I'm old, I'm going to look back on this day and smile.

So... today was long.  And good.  I'm so tired.  I pulled two almost all-nighters (I say almost because I took an hour-ish-long nap each time to keep me going) and took a chem test today.  I got an 80% on my calc test last week.  I was so sure I'd failed that!  I know that's not a great score or anything, but it means I can get a good grade in calc if I ace the final.
It's like the whole world conspired to give me a wonderful day.  Of course, I was bloody exhausted, but I enjoyed it.  First... let me remember.  I get the feeling something cool happened in calc, but I really can't remember.
Since I really have no idea if something awesome happened or not - I've been up for 65 hours!  That's a bloody long time! - we'll skip to the next part.  I went to write my paper in my classroom, which is always empty the period before our class.  This one guy was leftover from his class period and we talked for a bit, and then he said, have a great day, evening, dead week, finals, break.  Then he walked over to the white board and said, "Here, I'm drawing you a smiley face."  He proceeded to draw a smiley face.  "And how about a chipmunk?"  He drew the toothiest chipmunk you've ever seen.  "And... would you like to make it a super chipmunk?"  "Sure, if you have time."  He drew a mask, complete with a giant black 'S' displayed on the front.  And then he told me again to have a great day, and he left.  That was when I decided that my day had been made.  Right after that, I found out about my calc test.  And then, just before classes started, I jumped around in a bouncy house.  (They had three bouncy houses across campus for Dead Week.)  That was FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Blegh, brain is dying.)
I went again after class with Ace and Finn, and after that we all went to get something to eat.  I was drawing in my class, and I finished the drawing while drinking a smoothie.  Finn looked over and saw what I was doing, and he said it was GOOD!  After that, I stopped by my pastor's office.  It's been a long time since I was there.  I haven't had time, and for some reason I've felt guilty because I haven't been studying the Bible like I was going to, so I didn't go.  But he didn't care at all.  I started crying (pure exhaustion, I swear) and he gave me a hug.  After that we went into his office and he made cocoa, and we talked some.  Mostly just about what was going on in my life, and I showed him the drawing that I had done earlier.  (It was just a picture of a girl, BTW.  Nobody I know.  Just a random girl that might not even exist.)  He stared at it for a while and then said, "Holy smoke."  He thought it was really good too!
Next day (continuing now because I was too tired to finish last night)  And then... let's see.  I went swing dancing and I went to bed.  Slept in this morning.   Still tired.  Still happy.  And I got a flat tire today.  Had the stuff to fix it though so I was fine. 

And it goes down, down, down.

Today has been one of the most amazing days I've ever had.  Seriously epic.  Ace took me flying.  I raced on the backroads.  Riley's bitch moved out of his house. (Not sure if they're still together or what.)
Uggh.  I didn't get to finish that post last night, and now it's today, and I'm tired.  Just thinking about everything I have to do for tomorrow is exhausting.   I have a four page paper I haven't started, chem homework, a chem TEST, since the professor is letting me retake it (I failed it the first time - yuck!), a math assignment, and a reading.  I'm going to die.
My grades are bad (not failing, but bad), my mood is bad, and my schedule is terrifying.

Mixed signals.

Aha!  So, I keep changing my mind about whether or not Ace might like me, and I just realized - he is sending MIXED SIGNALS!  This seems like a revelation to me, although I should have gotten that earlier.
For some reason I am not bothered.  At this point, it could go either way, and I don't really have a lot of time to worry about this anyway.  So, I hope something happens, but if nothing does... ya know what?  There are a LOT of interesting people in college.  So I shall hardly be heartbroken.

Oh dear, and just as I was being logical too.

I danced with Ace last night.  For quite a while, actually.  No, I am not saying he likes me.  For now (and I don't expect this to last long) I am fine with just liking him.  Swing dancing is amazing and I would have had fun no matter what last night.  In fact, last night was the best night I have had in a VERY LONG TIME.  There was this one guy who was there (his name is also Aaron, but for the purpose of convenience I will add a subsequent '2' to his name), and he was an INCREDIBLE dancer.  I had more fun dancing with him than with anyone else, even Ace and Tyler.  But dancing with Ace was fun.  And dang it, I had just decided to get over him.  Thbbt.  Fat chance of that now...

Good life...

If I could just stop thinking for the next 48 hours or so, that would be great.  I think I failed my calc test this morning.  I can't  lose my scholarship - I won't be able to go to school anymore.
Evan somehow makes me feel better no matter what he says.  We don't even talk about what's going on, always, but I always like talking to him.
Ian also is great to talk to.  He's so patient... he never gets tired of listening and I think he actually believes in me.  For that matter, I think Evan does too.
Finally, Finn and Ariel always make me feel great too.  (They're not a couple, but they're like best friends and I have trouble thinking of them in separate sentences.)  They're very loud and funny and they always insist that you have fun.  You can't stay on the sidelines with them around.
I like the people at school. :-)

I terrify myself.

I am such a scary person.
It is so incredibly easy to just give up and not care about grades.  The amount of homework I have right now is unreal.  And somehow  I've got to clear up this madness with Alex.  We had kind of a disappointing conversation last night.  He mentioned that I waste my time on losers and jerks but I won't give him the time of day.  I feel really bad about this.  But the only way this would work is to date him, and if I did that, the moment Ace or - I shouldn't say this - Evan asked me out, I would regret being with him.  Of course, I'm assuming an awful lot, doing that.  Yes, yes, I KNOW that love is sometimes right in front of you, etc.  But aren't some things worth making sacrifices for?
At the same time, sometimes I can't help wishing I had boyfriend.  But here's the thing.  I'm pretty sure Alex wants sex.  And I don't.  Sometimes I get the urge, but for the most part whenever I think about having sex with ANYBODY, I feel sick.  I don't know how that happened.
The scary thing is that if he was willing to wait as long I needed before we had sex, I would probably date him.  It's really the best thing if I don't though.
One more scary thing: it's a good thing that Finn's got a girlfriend, because otherwise I would be in serious danger of falling in love with him.  That is all I will say on the subject.
I just got in a very kickass mood.  I've got a calc test and a chem test tomorrow, and I plan to ace them both.  Never mind that I'm crap at calculating pressure and temperature.  I will become not-crap at it.  Also, I'm beginning to like engineering.  Maybe I can do this after all.
My teacher is planning to have me test for my 2nd dan black belt next spring.  I remember almost every detail of my 1st dan test.  WOW was I nervous.  I messed up a couple of things.  But I did well, and I passed, and I'm going to do so much better this time.  In fact, right now I feel like I can do anything.
I can conquer the whole effin' world. :-)

I don't want to think about it.

Uggh.  I feel terrible right now.  I'm such an idiot.  Last year Riley cheated on his girlfriend.  With ME.  For the longest time, he told me they weren't official, and because I was so hopelessly in love with him, it was enough for me.  Turns out they were official.  And according to Alex, there were other girls he slept with at the same time.  I would never give up men (I couldn't) but it looks like I should be a little more careful.

Homework, prepare to be owned.

Uggh.  He Who Shall Not Be Named.  Shall no longer be called such.  His name is Ace.  That sounds like a stupid name but I like it and you will just have to deal with it. :-)
Also, I'm finally beginning to understand partial fraction expansion.
Crap, I have to get at least B's to keep my scholarship.  I didn't think it would be this hard.  I've always been a straight-A student.  Uggh.  Well, I'm going to get this.

Partial fraction decomposition...

... may be the death of me.  I'm so tired right now.  The school is about to do the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.  I just want to get some sleep.  I don't think I should be complaining though.  Goodness knows, this happens to every college student at some point.  4 in the morning isn't that bad.

Brain... dying...

And I've got another four hours before I start getting ready for school.  Yep, I'm pulling another all-nighter.  Yuck.  Somehow I've got to survive tomorrow without collapsing.
Okay, 6 hours later, and I actually didn't stay up all night.  I went to bed about an hour later.  I'm still tired.  But I've got a paper still, so I'm gonna be a big girl and tough it out.
I almost went flying with He Who Shall Not Be Named yesterday.  (Speaking of which, I'll give him a name soon.  I'm tired of typing that.)  We couldn't get the engine started though, because it was cold and it was a weird engine on a "dinky little plane."  I had fun though.  Don't know if he did or not.

Hate you so much.

So, first Isaac sends an email full of insults and f-words.  Then he sends another email bursting with "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s.  I want to kill him.  I hate him.  I hate how creepy he is, and I hate how close we once were.  I want to break his jaw.  At the very least.  I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.  Ass.  Fucking get a LIFE!!!!!!!!

The proverbial shit...

... has hit the fan.  Isaac asked if I still thought it would be a good idea if he moved down here.  And I said no.  I've been thinking this for AGES but didn't say a thing about it, and for some reason he randomly asked that, and then everything went down from there.
He's talking about killing himself.  I almost don't feel sorry for him.  In fact, no, I don't.  I could, but he's so self-pitying that he really doesn't need me too.  I'm being horrible, I know.  But he's not just annoying, he's creepy.  It sends shudders down my back.  Kid you not.  It makes me feel sick inside.  I really can't stand him sometimes.
He's still my brother, and I want him to have a good life.  But I'm not his fucking salvation.
And he's REALLY being a jackass right now.

Somebody was nice today...

Um... okay.  Wow.  I guess that there are some good people around.  Okay, that's a ridiculous statement.  I already knew that there were good people.  But tonight I met one.  A really good person.  A great person, even.  And it makes me feel better.  He made me feel better.  My brain is a little fried... I guess I miss people being that nice.  But tonight, even though it sucked really horribly in some places, was a good night.

I do not have a good title for this post.

Alex said he likes me.  Has for months.  WHAT DO I DO???
Now I feel horrible.  I like somebody else.  A lot.  WHY WHY WHY MUST LIFE BE SO FRIGGIN' COMPLICATED!!!!!!

Dang...

So, the other day, I went street racing in the loosest sense.  I met up with a few friends at DQ, and as we pulled out of the parking lot, one of them dashed out and swerved past me.  I tailed them for several miles, both of us going about 30 miles over the speed limit, until I got the chance to pass her just before we got to the college.  Thing is, there was a cop near one of the churches we passed.  If you get caught speeding that much, you lose your license, and sometimes they'll impound your car.  He must have been sleeping or something, because he never stopped us.  That is probably the most illegal thing I've done so far.  I don't think I'll make a habit of it.  It was thrilling, but frankly, I like having my license.
I will say though, that I'm still running on the adrenalin high.  Nothing much like getting away with something like that.

"I like the way you think."

It seems that my school friends care more than my old friends, sometimes.  I don't know if it's a talent, or if it's real, but they make you feel like they are actually interested in you.  Especially Evan, and sometimes Finn.
Evan and I talk sometimes... about the most unexpected things.  Every time he says something I have to reevaluate him.  I like him more each time we talk.  We've talked about careers.  I know why he wants to be a doctor.  The way he described it almost made me want to be one too.  He knows why I don't want to be an engineer.  He's encouraging me to go for what I want.  I don't know why, but the way he says stuff is always so much more compelling than the way most people say it.  I think he sees the world just a little differently.  I like seeing it his way once in a while, but I think I like my way too.

Oh, and BTW, I am dangerously close to falling in love.

No more complaining.  I'm not going to.  At least not in real life.  I'm going to try not to on here, but I might some, just to get it out when there's too much.

On second thought...

So, ignore that last post.  Sentimentality is very much alive.  I was just being dramatic, I guess.  Yikes.

Coldblooded?

I have lost pretty much all sense of sentimentality.  On the one hand, this makes me feel kinda cool, like some sort of untouchable goddess.  On the other... I guess I can see how it would be bad.  But I still like it.  I don't mind being a little weird.

Men are so damn weird.

Uggh.  Really?  Isaac, stop being so sensitive.  It's laughable and downright fucking irritating that you think you're the only one who has problems.
About He Who Shall Not Be Named... I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me.  Oh well.  No big.
Really.  Jeez.  Even Gavin wasn't a big deal.
Well, so far, Ian and Evan are awfully nice guys, and they haven't made a move.  I don't think either of them would unless they thought I wanted them to.  That is SUCH A GOOD FEELING.
Especially after Riley - yes, Riley - made another pass at me.  Wanted me to send him nude pictures.  Ass.  I know he genuinely cares about me, but... uggh.  I don't even know how to finish that sentence.  He's such a contradiction of character.

FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!  Jeez, guys, give me a break!  I'm working on it!  Don't you fucking get it?  I'm actually trying here!  No, I don't have fucking A's this quarter.  What does that mean?  That I'm not smart enough or that I'm not trying, but NOT BOTH!  LET ME HANDLE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE!!!!!

Oh. Yes.

This is my new love.  Guns, games, and music.  Doesn't get a lot better.

Guys...

I dreamed about Evan last night.  Wow.  That dream was enough to make anyone fall in love with anybody, just about.  Okay, well, obviously not, since I'm not in love with Evan.  But for an hour or so I sure was.
He drove me back to the college last night, from a mutual friend's house.  He asked me to get some good sleep.  I don't know why, but every time it seems like somebody honestly cares about me - especially somebody who barely knows me, like him - I start feeling weird.  Happy in a way, and very sad in another.
Tyler, a guy I met last weekend at swing dancing, sent me a Facebook message exclaiming over the fact that I wasn't there last night.  He's a flirt.  And I have fun flirting with him, but I know his type.  He's like Gavin.  The moment I show too much interest, he'll drop me.  And somehow (and very convenient this is), this makes me considerably less attracted to him.  But I will admit that he is fun to talk to.  I enjoy mental sparring just as much physical sparring.

Just because I'm occasionally a dumbass...

Dude... gotta get laid.  Now, before you say anything, I am NOT that type of girl.  I am not going to go out hunting for sex.  I'm not even going to accept random offers, should that unlikely scenario occur.  No, I'm pretty picky.  That being said... fantasies are becoming more and more frequent.  Heaven forbid He Who Shall Not Be Named make any sort of sexual move - I'd like to keep my respect and my defenses are awfully low.  Jeez.  I really haven't learned, have I?  Elliot, Riley, Gavin... the first one humiliated me, the second broke my heart, and the third was probably the worst fucking jackass I've ever met.  And here I am again, crushing madly on... grrr, I want to give him a name.  But no.

F-f-fingers... n-n-n-numb.

Grrrr.  Must.  Stop. Thinking.  About.  UN-NAMEABLE PERSON!!!!!!
Okay, no longer thinking about He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Still not thinking about him...
Dang it.
So, I think that MAYBE I can still get straight A's.  It's a little weird, sitting outside in the freezing cold air outside the arts building.  I rarely frequent this area.  I'm not exactly in any art classes, or music classes either.  I'm playing music on my laptop though - I bet it would be fun to dance to.  I oughtta suggest that to the swing dance people... I've gotta come up with a better name for them.  My fingers are kinda numb right now; it's getting hard to type.  For some reason I like it though.  Fuck, I wanna dance so bad right now.  I LOVE dancing.  I didn't think it would be this much fun.  Okay, that was weird.  I that I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and it was just a tree.  I feel smart now...
I want to do something crazy.  Like, really, really crazy.  On the brink of recklessly idiotic.  Hmm.  I need to do something weird once in a while or I go crazy.  Like, truly, honest-to-goodness insane.
A random guy just called out and asked if I was cold.  Actually, I wasn't cold until recently.  I was perfectly fine when I came out here.  Now I'm quite literally frigid.  Oh well; too bad.  I told you I had to do something unusual once in a while.  So here I am, this being one of my once-in-a-while's.  I rather like it.  For some reason I also like the strange looks I'm getting.  I'm going to do these once-in-a while's more often.  I think the fact that I'm not wearing a jacket kind of adds to the whole thing.  However, if I sit out here much longer, I will freeze to death, and then weird animals will start picking at my bones.  I am not really a fan of that.
Oh, thbbbt.  I'm not thinking about He Who Shall Not Be Named.  This is like The Game.  Which I just lost.  Hmm.  About 25 minutes until I can come in from the frigid air and study for chemistry.  Actually not looking forward to that very much.  I may actually get off soon and start walking around.
Or I may not.  Yeah, I think I'll go with not for now.  Kinda want to see Riley.  It's been a while since we really hung out.  He's still kind of my best friend... I think.  But it's kind of weird to have a best friend whom you never see.  I really want to go snowboarding.  It's been pretty much forever.  It's better than swing-dancing.  Well, I think it is.  It's been so long.
I wonder how long this blog post will be.  Feels like it's going to get pretty long.  Especially if I sit out here for the remainder of the... 15 minutes I have until I meet him.  I do have to get my calc book though.  Am I boring you guys?  Hmm?  I'm not being particularly interesting right now.  I'm not even gabbling about the inner workings of my mind.  (Which, I assure you, are interesting.)  Too bad.  This is my blog.  I can gabble all I want about whatever I want.  And now, I'm going to get my book and walk the million miles to the library.  Oh, BTW, I don't think I mentioned this, but I was poking around the arts building, and I saw He Who Shall Not Be Named, along with a bunch of other students playing in the orchestra.  I like a guy who can play music.  Sexy.
NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM!!!

Just a little grin...

Clocks - Coldplay just came on in the DX.  Made my day.  STILL making my day.

Just got motivated, somehow.

I'm sure now more than ever that no matter how bad people say other countries are, I've got to go see them.  I need more than this tiny place!   I've GOT TO GET OUT.  I'm getting a little cramped.  It's the same sort of claustrophobia I got when I got jammed (yes, literally STUCK) in a corner of the cave we went to visit when I was 12.  I felt like screaming.  I still do whenever I think about it.
But I've also had another revelation - I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.  I could see the whole world and still not have enough.  I'm always going to need something new, which doesn't really bode well for my happiness.  I feel like one of those awful people who, as soon as they get a girl/guy, immediately start searching for something new.  I'm not like that with people.  I'm perfectly happy with the same group of friends, and (not that I have a lot to base this off of) I'm pretty sure that I would have the same attitude towards a boyfriend.  But I think I'm always going to want new surroundings.  I just don't see how I can do that.
But... I don't really have much choice, do I?  I'm not just going to sit here.

A myriad of thingymabobbery brain particles.

So... you may have noticed that there is a certain young man I have been thinking about.  I may or may not have been day-dreaming about him as well.  You decide.  You may have also noticed that I haven't mentioned his name.  Well, too bad.  He does not get a name in here yet.  Even though I rather like him.  And even though he has his pilot's license.  Which is INCREDIBLY COOL!!!!!!  No.  He is He Who Shall Not Be Named.  (I actually haven't read Harry Potter, but I plan on it, and I do know who that is.  I am not committing a heresy of sorts.  I am merely trying to piss off anyone who thinks that there is only one of them.)
I went over to Alex's last night.  And you wanna know something?  I had a good time.  Yes, he made a move, but I fended it off and he was okay with it.  We watched Fast Five.  It was a pretty good evening.  In fact, last night was the first time in a long time when I felt like we were good friends.  Makes me feel fuzzyish inside.
Isaac is driving me insane.  He is so sensitive!  Uggh!  Every time we have the slightest argument, he thinks I'm really mad at him.  He's ALWAYS apologizing.  It actually is starting to make me mad.  He's so utterly pathetic.  I can't stand listening to him sometimes.  I'm trying to be fair - maybe his life does suck right now - but it's nearly impossible.
Well, the fuzzy mood is utterly gone now.  Which is just as well.  I just got out of a class with He Who Shall Not Be Named and it is very hard to not look at him once in a while.  But I managed it, and only turned my head to look at him when he was talking, just like everybody else did.  I can't afford to really like anyone right now, I guess.  Least of all someone who's probably even busier than I am.
I officially have a dancing partner.  One of the guys who's really good at this, Eric, doesn't have anyone to practice with anymore, and he texted me to see if I wanted to.  So we're starting tonight.  I love swing dancing so much.

Well, well, well.

I did mention a crush on someone, didn't I?  Yeah well, that SOMEONE called today to ask if I wanted to go flying with him!  We were at a dinner for a school thing on Friday night and somehow I found out that he was a pilot and I asked if he ever took people up with him.  I didn't even give him my number, he got it himself somehow.  This is making me ridiculously happy, even though I had to say no because I had to work on a project.

It's back.

Uggh.  No.  Not again.  This can't be happening.  I don't know how this happened.  I don't know what to do about it.  This is the end of my life as I know it.
I've got a crush.  The horror.
 

My thoughts wander.

Well, I never went to bed last night.  I've been up for nearly 40 hours.  Anyway, I somehow made it through school until the middle of honors writing, and then I fell asleep.  I woke up about 5 minutes before class ended.  I fall asleep in about one class per day.  Anyway, I was the first one out of class, so I held the door open for people, and the first one out was Evan.  He took the door from me and asked, "So how've you been doing these past few days?  You've been falling asleep a lot in class."  Now, Evan rarely talks to me.  I mean, he doesn't avoid me or anything, but for the most part he has his friends and I pretend to have my friends.  (I do have friends, I just don't end up sitting with them a lot.)  He's never shown any particular interest in my life.  It was honestly nice to have someone ask me how I was doing.  It's probably just out-of-whack hormones from lack of sleep talking, but thinking about it makes me either want to hug him or start crying.
I suspect hugging Evan would be nice.

I sing of loveliness

Everybody was texting me today!!!!!  It feels like it anyway.  Riley, Alex, my mentor, my parents, Ellie, Issac, Monty, and a new guy I met today who's teaching me how to swing dance.  I love it.  As in, I will be doing it the rest of my life.  And I think that for a beginner, I'm fairly good at it.
I could go on forever about swing dancing - it's so fluid, so beautiful, but kind of sexy at the same time.  And I don't mean my partner was sexy.  The dance was sexy, in the subtlest way, like a long-lashed girl peeking from behind her books or a guy sticking his hands in his pockets and shrugging (which for some reason, I find unbelievably sexy).  I wish I could explain it better.  It wasn't even that the dance brought you close to the other person.  The laughter does that.  The dance brings you closer to it, until you see the other person as another part of the dance, and you are both moving as naturally as breathing.  This is when the world fades into the background and you come forward, and you are part of the dance and so is the other person.  And at the same time, you are part of the world, and you are alive and it doesn't matter if you are clumsy or ugly or if you are failing that math class.  At that moment, everything is beautiful.

Get it yet????

Okay, Alex, just drop it already.  Sure, I might want to hang out with you, but NOT FOR SEX!  So FUCKING LET IT BE!!!

I don't know what to do.

Okay, I really don't want Isaac to come over here and live with me.  (Remember my brother?)  It'll kill him if I tell him.
But anyway - and there's no way I can tell anyone this - I feel uncomfortable around him.  Not like he would do anything, but like he's a little fuzzy on the boundaries.  He always says he loves me (I mean, sure, brothers and sisters love eachother, but they don't say it THAT often) and always wants a hug and it seems to me that he's borderline psychotic about it.  It's scaring me.

Every damn guy.

So, it seems all guys are the same.  Guess what.  Aaron tried coming on to me last night.  Yep.  He asked what I meant by picky (I had mentioned, in answer to a question, that I needed to get laid, but I was being very picky about it) and then he asked if he met those standards!!  With a wink!  I kind of want to hit him!  I'm NOT that cute - not ugly by any definition, but hardly breathtaking anyway.  I have good days and bad days, and I'm not being modest about this.  Modesty isn't really my thing anyway.  So why the HELL is it that every guy I'm friends with tries this at some point???  So far, Miguel and Ian haven't tried anything.  Miguel already had a crush on me once, so that's over and not likely to come back.  And I really can't see Ian asking me ANYTHING like that.
There are some things I would do anything for.

Do you understand?

I saw something beautiful today.  It was so beautiful that I literally felt a twinge in my chest - not in my heart, exactly, but somewhere thereabouts.  It was just a picture - a magnificent picture, but a picture nonetheless.  It's just amazing to think that that place exists on this planet somewhere.  I've got to find it.

I guess... that works.

I love the song “Gonna be a Good Life” by One Republic.  It makes you actually believe that there are good things ahead.  I haven’t exactly been feeling that lately, and I’ve needed it.  But come on, why shouldn’t my life go well?  I’m smart enough.  I’ve got plenty of friends.  I’m in a good school, engineering is a good career, and there’s a lot of opportunities.  The problem, I think, is that I don’t know what the future will be.  I like to know these kinds of things.  But maybe it doesn’t matter.  Maybe I’ll have a good life anyway.  I don’t have to know everything at once.

Although, dang it, I WANT TO SO BAD!!!!!  Riley and I are okay now.  That's a relief.  Although... he can still be maddening.  But I get the feeling we'll always have that sort of relationship.  Right now, it doesn't bother me.  I'm much more tolerant of things when I'm happy.

I don't have the words for you, Riley.

Riley, you fucking jerk.  Seriously?  You wanted to have sex?  Again?  With me?  Asshole.  And the moment I say, no, I don't want to that, you stop texting me?  We are not friends anymore.  We'll see if I can even manage to be civil to you next time we meet.  You make Gavin seem like a sweetheart.

I appreciate it.

Fuck you, Riley.  What happened to my best friend?  The one who actually started crying because I was so hurt?  Now, you won't even listen to me.  You don't have the fucking time.  I don't know how you do it, but somehow you ingrain yourself into people's hearts, and they can't ever let go of you.  They can never stop caring.  I wonder how many people you're hurting right now.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  You don't know what you did to me and what you're still doing!  You don't know how much I depended on you - you said you would always be there.  There was a reason I never need help from you.  It's because I knew if I did, you would be there.  Somehow that kept me from needing help.  And now you've totally backed out on your promises; you're wasting your time on a girl who doesn't care about you and forgetting your real friends, your family, and God.  And I can't even help you.  And you can't help yourself.
And you've ruined me.
And I don't have any fucking clue why.

Analyzing myself.

So, Alex is kind of a jackass.  I'm pretty happy with Riley though.  I failed a test recently - 58% - and he still has complete faith in me that I can get in A.  (This is Calc II, BTW.)  He rarely says things like that.
I've started studying to be baptized.  Olivia is thrilled.  I always have questions - I come up with a couple new ones for each question he answers.  I haven't stumped him yet though.  I'm not sure I will.  I almost want to.  I want to know everything, but I know I can't. 
I feel like a bitch.  I can't be nice to anyone anymore, it seems.  I flirt with people all the time.  I dropped doing things with Alex, because he was just using me.  Riley was right about that guy at least.  I treat my family like crap.
I think I saw Gavin today.  I was on my way to grab a doughnut and a car passed.  I was in a good mood, and I was smiling at pretty much the entire world, and all the people in it, including those in the cars passing me.  I saw a guy in the driver's seat do a double take and stare at me for a good five seconds.  I could swear it was Gavin.  Curses.  He's a fucker.  Why can't I get him out of my head?
Or, for that matter, the guy in my honors class.  How can I be so fickle?  I'd like to forget about all guys.  Fat chance of that.  Maybe I'm just body-hungry.  That's my term for when I want the physical part of the relationship so much that it's all I think about.  But... that can't be it.  There are certain people I like but would never cross that line with, and it's not because they aren't hot.  Well, it's almost that, at any rate.  Still.  This is ridiculous.

Hey, I'm a grown woman. (Warning: I will no longer give warnings for strong language and adult content. I'm tired of it.)

Means that every now and then I get urges to have sex.  It seems that for the moment (for quite a while, actually) I will be unsatisfied.  College is great.  And, I finally found out what I want to do with my engineering degree which I was so uncertain about signing up for.  With any luck, Obama will stop being such an ass (or he'll get kicked out of office - either works for me, really) and NASA will reopen their manned space flight program.  If they do, I'll become an astronaut.  If not, I'll get my degree, go through flight school and basic training, and become a test pilot for fighter jets.
It's thrilling to finally know what I want to do.  I've needed this.  Plus the social life in college is pretty awesome.  Aside from the fact that I rarely see my old friends.  I see Ellie once in a while.  I haven't seen Riley or Aaron since school started.  Ian and I have a standing date at the bakery every week, and we talk on Facebook a lot.  I talk to Olivia on Facebook too.  I haven't seen Miguel in a long, LONG time.  And of course, my old friend Phina - I talk to her about once a week over the phone.  This is kind of making me wonder how much Riley and I are friends.  We are - if we're in trouble, we can call and both of us would go through fire and water for the other person - but we never see eachother.  We're both so busy.
Speaking of busy, it's 2:30 in the morning, and I've got a calc test I should sleep for. :-)

Awkward...

So, my parents found out that Riley and I had sex.  But it doesn't matter.  I'm a bit old for them to punish me.  Although it does make things rather uncomfortable.
Update - I never finished this post when I started it a couple days ago.  Apparently, my mom is - not okay with - accepting the fact that people occasionally have sex.  Also that I will probably do it again at some point.  Wow.
Also... hmm.  There's a lot going on, I guess.  It's gonna have to wait until tomorrow at some point.  I've got some work to do right now.

So I theorize...

It's a marvel that after all this time, Riley can still make me cry.  We used to be best friends.  How could he forget that?  Why can't I?
I'm pathetic.  I don't have time for this anymore.

No.

I used to be loved... I remember it.

DUMBASS!!!!!!! (Oh yeah - warning: strong language.)

So I have another person to add to my list of dumb people - my brother Isaac.  He wants to have sex (his first time, BTW) with a girl who fucked him over.  I sincerely wish I'd never known.  Now he's apologizing profusely and I'm sick of it.  He's always depressed.  I'm feeling smothered.  But if I tell him that, he'll get even more depressed and probably kill himself.  Fuck.
I also called Riley and he couldn't talk.  He asked what was up and I said I'd had a shitty day, and he said that he was just about to go to bed.  Asshole.  Really?  If you had said that I would have stayed up. ASSHOLE!!!!!  I thought you were my best friend!
I'm talking to Alex on FB.  He's not saying anything sexual for once.  Good.  I can't handle that right now.  He's being a friend.  I need that.  Hard not to cry right now.  So much at once.  I don't feel like I'm alright, even though I know for a definite fact that I am.
Feeling better now.  Still hate this.

Integrals suck. (Warning: while I do not know yet, there will probably be strong language.)

Just when I thought I had integrals figured out (or at least those where the trapezoidal rule is involved), I find out I missed something.  Like I said in the title, they suck.
WAIT!
Breaking news!  Lost girl solves integral.
Crazy Lady has solved the first problem in the set involving the trapezoidal rule!  Says Crazy, "What next?  I intend to keep going.  Why would I stop here?  There are so many more integrals to find!"  We await Crazy's next mathematical feat with breathless anticipation.

Hmm.  No strong language here after all.

Well, yeah, there is that one word... (Warning: strong language)

Great.  I just practically yelled at Isaac.  I fucking suck.   I hate myself.  I'm an ass.  I want to go out and kill someone.  I want to kill myself.  Well, not really.  I haven't honestly wanted that for a LONG time.  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yes, you just read that word five times in a row.
I'm a bitch.
Also, fuck the substitution method for integrals.

And here we have a classic example of badicus moodicus. (Warning: one teeny-tiny little swear word)

My good mood's a bit shot.  I found out that the university I attend has a pottery class, and I was planning to sign up for it.  Unfortunately, it's at the same time as my honors writing class next quarter.  Then I broke a jar in the kitchen.  Then Isaac said I was wearing a joke thin.  Which isn't a huge deal but for some reason it bugged me anyway.  And on top of all of that, Oscar is a total ass.  And I miss Riley the way he used to be.  Sometimes it still shows through, but it would be nice if it did more often.  And I think I've overscheduled myself this quarter.  And duh, I'll be doing it again next quarter.
On the upside, Ellie's been great.  Goodness knows her life is shitty enough, but she's still there when you need her.

Maybe I wasn’t meant for settling...

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this – so stuck, so trapped, longing for the edges of the outside world.  Begging myself to settle for the best life, instead of racing towards the dangerous one.  Dreaming of the innate wildness of the Scottish Highlands; the spiced, dusty fragrance of a Turkish bazaar; the turquoise depths of the Polynesian sea; the filled silence of a remote island; the bizarre hospitality of Thailand.

Thinking about it only makes it worse.  I don’t want to stay here my whole life.  It would never be enough; I would always be unsatisfied, no matter how many degrees I earn or how many kids I have.

Weekend... how I have longed for thee...

...only to discover that thou shalt be busier than thy preceding week.

Too late for thinking, apparently.

Isaac wants to marry an Englishwoman.  Hey, I understand the appeal.  The accents are divine.
I think it's pretty safe to say you're over someone when the thought of seeing them makes you want to deck them.  Gavin was a jerk.  Nice blue eyes, but a jerk all the same.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm out of my league in the Honors Program.  Which is nothing particularly new; I've felt out of my league on several recent occasions.  I signed up for the drama club and the Asian club, and I'm going to sign up for the Society of Women Engineers, and I've been initiating contact with people more and more often.  Riley told me once that everyone thought I was cool and mysterious.  I don't remember his exact words, but it was something along that line.  It made me feel pretty good.  I don't think people think that about me anymore.  I'm a little more social.  People have been talking to me more too now.  It's kind of cool.
Riley said he missed me today.  I miss him - you have no idea how much.  YES, he's being an idiot about romantic matters, but he's still my best friend, and I love him to death.  He calls me his sister, and hugs me when Dana isn't around.  Another reason not to like Dana.  We (Riley and I) used to do everything together.
Okay, that thought went too far.  I don't want to think about all this right now.  Kinda hurts.  I wish I could just talk to him.

Detective (insert name here)

If you find me dead tomorrow...
Search for clues.  You may see an open calculus book, a few scattered pages of notes, a few half-buried writing utensils.  Upon further investigation you may note that my laptop browser is open to my math homework site, and that the assignment due is only half-done.  This is where, if you are smart, you will begin to form hypotheses about my death.
Scratch that.  Assuming I am dead tomorrow (which I no longer expect), it will have nothing to do with math.  WolframAlpha is amazing.

I have neglected you...

Jeez.  First day.  I'm swamped.  I came home and slept for three hours.  I don't know why I do this, but whenever I meet a guy, I automatically put my last name with his to see how it matches.  I feel like an idiot for doing that.
Second day.  I didn't post yesterday.  I'm exhausted.  I went over to Alex' place again tonight.  Take a guess at what happened.  No, not that many bases.  Calm down.  It's funny how that kind of thing can make you feel closer to someone though.  Even though I don't really like Alex in that way, it kind of makes me care more about him.
Anyway, I have to finish some homework.  Got an Honors assignment due tomorrow.  There is gonna be a lot of writing involved in that class.  Blegh.

This is how life ends...

School starts tomorrow.  I'm majoring in mechanical engineering.  There are a LOT of us.  We also have a lot of classes - a B.S.E. requires more credits than anything else does.  Doctors probably have more work in the end though.
I really should go to bed.  I'm not tired though.  Also, I'm writing very boring things.  You've probably already started dozing.  And that right there (look left) was a lame joke.  So I'll shut up.  It's late anyway.  Uggh.

Random snippets of... random. With the occasional bit of awesome.

I got third in patterns, gold in sparring, and gold in breaking.  I've never done this well at a tournament.  And I saw Isaac.  In fact, I'm at his apartment right now.  You know what?  I don't think I've told the story about us.  I will someday when I have time.  Man, I've missed him a lot.  Can't wait for school to start.  Ian is awesome, BTW.

TGIF.

I get to see Isaac tonight too.  And the tournament is tomorrow!  (Not ready, but then, I rarely am.)

That guy. (Warning: strong language)

It's always nice to have it confirmed that a jackass is really a jackass.  For instance, Gavin.  As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate him, I just found out today (rumor only, mind you) that he's dating someone else.  After he said that he wasn't ready to be a good boyfriend.  I can feel the crunch of his jaw breaking in my head... sounds appealing, frankly.  So yeah.  Pretty much over that guy now.  Thank you, Gavin; you made the process much easier by acting like a dickhead.

The breaking of tradition...

YIKES!  I forgot to post last night!  I got home after a paint fight (awesome, BTW), did some laundry, swept the floor, and crashed.  I want to crash again right now.  So tired.
I'm a little different lately.  I'm more outgoing.  I used to be freakishly shy.  Now no one would mistake me for the ex-shadow that I once was.  I owe part of that to Riley.  Somehow, he brought me out of my shell a little.  Now, I'm mostly on my own; we don't see eachother as often as I'd like, but I've still been friendlier.  Yesterday I played hide-and-seek in Walmart with Ian and a couple of other guys.  We ran around madly, me and Ian still covered in paint (which as you may imagine, drew a few stares and some interesting comments) ducking behind clothes racks and dashing across the open aisles.  'Twas fun.  Anyway, I've got a lot more to say about these past few days but I've got to get out of here.

Jeez, Crazy, cool it down!

So, I would say I'm over Gavin, considering how madly I've been flirting.  With - I hesitate to admit it - multiple people.
Okay, so yes.  I am a flirt.  BUT, I will say this much - I don't flirt as much as I did if I plan to just push them aside the next day.  I do it because I really wouldn't mind dating them.
So, maybe I do still miss Gavin.  For which I am an idiot.  Next guy...

I was right.

Well, I WAS!  I am going to busy.  I'm already busy.  I got home about 15 minutes ago.  (11:30)  If it's after midnight when I post this, too bad.  It counts.  This morning now feels like a couple of days ago.  Man, you know what?  I'm just going to go to bed now.  I'm exhausted.  Tournament for Taekwon-Do this weekend!  (That was a very half-hearted exclamation mark, as tired as I am.)  Oh, BTW, there are a ton of cute guys.  In fact I would say that they are hot.  Yeah.  Excellent specimens. :-)

Grrrrr...

Wow.  School starts tomorrow.  I'm going to be busy.  I hate getting all the school stuff taken care of though.  Somehow one of my classes got dropped - not a big deal, I didn't particularly care about it anyway - and now I don't have as much to do, and it's pissing me off.  Blegh.  Oh, hey, I did meet someone interesting today.  Riley's cousin, Ian, was in my group today for the beginning of school thing they had going on.

Yes, there will be strong language in this one. (Warning: see title)

I am so fucking pissed!!!  Turns out that Gavin was either cheating on me, or fucked a girl and then asked me out after he'd been flirting like mad with me.  Either way, he's an ass.
I've been talking to Aaron a lot lately.  He's so incredibly sweet, it's uncanny.  And he's not even trying to get into my pants.  He likes another girl.  (Shame, really.  I was starting to like him.  Oh well, it's better not to get involved with friends.)
I want to fucking take Gavin down.  I haven't been this mad at someone in a long time.  Oh, speaking of taking people down, Gertrude and I aren't at eachother's throats anymore.  Fucking weird how people change.
I feel like such an idiot.  I also feel like killing someone.  I suppose there is the slightest chance that he's not a total jackass... but that doesn't change my feelings towards him at all.  Asshole.

Hi.

So, I'm a perfectionist.  I will soon post another post, but to keep my promise, I'm posting this ridiculously short one for no reason other to keep the promise about posting every day.

Yup. :-)

I am so freakin' proud of myself.  (That was going to be another word there before I decided that I didn't want to add a warning label to this post.  Maybe I should try swearing less.)  Anyway, I got more work.  Which is good, since because of scheduling conflicts, I probably won't be working for my old clients for a while.  Can't wait until tomorrow though, I'm hanging out with Aaron and then Ellie for a while.  And then I work on Sunday, and then SCHOOL STARTS!!!

Lost, I guess. (Warning: strong language)

Just as a quick note, have you noticed how many entries have a warning on the title?
Sometimes I'm tempted to start cutting again.  I know I never will, but every once in a while, when things just suck, I take the knife out and hold it against my skin.  Sometimes I'll push down a little, although never enough to break the skin.  I can't.  I hate how I was then.  Besides, I made a promise that I can't break.  It doesn't stop me from thinking about it sometimes though.
WHY?  Why the FUCK won't anything work out?  Yes, I got into the honors program; yes, I'm fucking smart.  But WHERE has this gotten me?  No one cares if I'm a straight-A student - except for employers from places I don't even want to work, and of course my parents.  I don't want to do mechanical engineering.  I don't know what I want to do.  There's no place in this world for a girl who fails at every relationship and who doesn't know what she wants to do.
Oh, I'll be fine.  I always am.  For some reason I find myself remembering the time I totally lost it, back in December of last year...

Confessions. (Warning: adult content)

My body is breaking down.  I feel like I did yesterday, only worse.  I'm finding less to talk about now that... never mind.  Okay, you know what?  I have tons to talk about.  I think MAYBE Aaron has been flirting with me.  I'm finding to my particular chagrin that it does not bother me.  Of course, he's nice to everyone, and it's entirely possible that he does this to every girl.
Also, you remember I said that Riley wanted to have sex with me?  Well, we did.  Partway through.  And you know what?  It was okay.  Not great; nothing special.  I wasn't forced to... frankly I don't know why I did it, really.  I don't necessarily regret it... but I felt kind of sick afterwards.  Goodness knows why; I don't like Dana and I have no respect for her.  Maybe it was a loss of respect for myself.  I thought I was finished with that.  Now I feel like a slut.  I stopped it partway through - he said that if it felt wrong we could stop - and we decided, no, it was really over.  Neither of us were sad about it.  He said that he'll make time for just me and him to hang out as friends, which will be nice, because I honestly have missed that.  Dana is always around, and frankly I'm sick of it.  But I think I'll be okay.  I'm over Riley.  I didn't think I could be.  And as far as Gavin goes... well, I'll live with it.  I'm not heartbroken or anything; it just sucks and I wish it had ended differently.  (Can you tell I'm having one of my grown-up moments?)  And who knows what will happen in the future?  The possibilities go on forever...

An update.

I'm exhausted.  School shopping takes it toll.  No, don't laugh.  It does.
School starts in five days... can't wait.  Even though I'll probably kill myself before the quarter's over.
I've had six shots today, as well as a blood test.  Needless to say, my arms are a little sore.  For some reason I have an incredible headache as well...
I wish I had unlimited texting.
I also wish that someone would give me a hug.  But I won't ask for one.  I'm weird that way; people have to offer a hug.  I will randomly walk up and hug someone, but not when I'm feeling down.
I'm actually not feeling down.  Mentally and emotionally, I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm just tired, so I have the feeling-down mentality.
I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.  But I better get used to that feeling; I really need the work.
It's awkward when the doctor asks questions about my sexual activity in front of my dad.  Because, while I am not currently active in that area, I have been, and I'd really rather my dad not know this.  Ever.  Until I get married; I suppose at that point he'll assume that I am.
I haven't eaten dinner yet...
Also, it's after midnight, so I've broken my rule of posting every day.  I didn't mean to though, and since I'm posting very close to yesterday, I think it's acceptable.

SO GUESS WHAT??? (Warning: strong language)

I'm gonna be working my ass off this year!  I'm trying incredibly hard (in theory, of course; at this particular moment I'm sitting on the same floor that I've been sleeping on for over a month...) to go to Europe next summer.
Oh, wow.  I will be working weekends.  And some during the week.  (Hey, I need gas money too, and I'm sure as hell not making my parents pay for it.)  And I'm taking 19 credits.  Honors classes.  Calculus.  Chemistry.  I may never sleep.  All this for two months of pure bliss traveling with Alice to Germany, Ireland, France, Denmark, Italy, etc.  Oh, and need I state that I will not be going snowboarding this winter???  Fuuuuuuuuuck.

"Well, she certainly demonstrates the diversity of the word..." (Warning: strong language)

Uggh.  I need to fucking stop thinking about Gavin.  It's ridiculous.  It's over, and yet this stupid little motherfucker in my head says, "What if it's not?"  I am not in love.  I AM NOT FUCKING IN LOVE.  I'm not sure if Riley agrees with me, but...
Dammit.  What if he's right?  No way.  No way no way no way.  I can't afford to fall in love with ANYONE, least of all someone that I met 5 weeks ago who doesn't even care.  Is it really possible to forget someone completely?  Because I wish I could, and it seems like Gavin has already.  I mean, I don't have any proof.  I haven't talked to him since Sunday.  But... I think he's probably moved on completely - as if there was anything to move on from.
Fuck this.  I don't care.  I'm tired of sounding like a pathetic, whiny bitch.  It's my turn to forget.  I'm going to stop talking about him.

Crazy, reinvented.

I don't know how much I like this new me: the flirt, the safe one, the one guys come on to and adults trust with secrets.  Riley's mom trusts me with secrets.  My mom does too.  Are they just trusting people, or am I really worthy of it?  Lately, I've begun to wonder about myself.  I never used to attract this much male attention.  I'm not loose, so they can't be after the sex.  I suppose it's possible that I am, as Riley and Aaron say, that I'm a great girl.  But great girls don't get this much attention, so it's not.  Whether or not I'm a great girl, I'll leave for others to decide.  I hope so though.  It's uncanny though, about the guys.  I guess maybe it compensates for the complete lack of it I've had for the past few years.  But it's hard to get used to, although it's enjoyable.
I'm not going to lie, in the past week or so I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.  But I guess everyone makes mistakes, and these weren't life-changing or anything.  There are worse mistakes to make.

Um... (Warning: strong language)

Ordinary Sunday, my ass!
Shall I start from the beginning?  It seems that way is least complicated.
I went over to Aaron's house.  That was fairly normal.  That guy is a total sweetheart, BTW.  Anyway, Riley, Dana, and another couple came over after that... Riley wanted to have sex with me.  He said Dana didn't care, that she was bi, etc. and... yeah.  I don't know if I buy it or not, but NO, we aren't getting into this mess again.  But at least I'm not so worried about him and Dana now.  I shouldn't want them to break up, but I do.
I wish I could forget Gavin.  I miss him.
DAMMIT, CRAZY, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!  It's not going to do any good!  You may never even see the guy again.
I want to see him again.  And on a different but very much related note, I'm an idiot.

Just an ordinary Sunday...

Gonna go chill with Aaron (after cleaning up my room :-P) and after that who knows.  Talking to Olivia right now.  I love that girl.  I'm thinking I should eat something... food sounds good.  Yesterday Olivia and I were talking about love stories.  She's a romantic.  I'm not.  But I'll tell you one thing: for someone who's not a romantic, I get my heart broken a lot.
Back when Riley and I were close, he told me that I was a romantic.  I believed him.  I don't now.  I sometimes wish things were the way they were before.  Fall of 2010 was the happiest time of my life.  I was doing well in school, I was in love with Riley and he was in love with me.  Dana would flip if she knew that we talked about getting married.  Now, I don't know what exactly I saw in him.  Of course, he HAS changed... but... I don't know.  I guess I miss being as safe as I was then.  I'm not now - maybe I wasn't then, but I thought I was - and sometimes I miss it.  Although, I won't lie, there's a certain kind of thrill in believing that you're on your own.  It's lonely, and granted it hurts most of the time, but it makes you feel something like a hero.  My pride plays too much of a part in my life, I can tell.
Maybe I'd be happier without it.  Now there's a novel idea.

A prayer to God.

Dear God, I need a miracle for Riley.  Dana is taking over his life.  His mom can't even talk to him without Dana listening in.  She's just got to have her nose in everything.  I can't get him alone to knock some sense into him either.  He's in love with her, but he doesn't respect her.  How can he?  She's lazy, nosy, and childish.  He still thinks he's going to school this fall.  I'm going to do my best to help that along, because without some time away from Dana, he might never figure out what is going on.  (BTW, God, I'm doing my best not to swear in this letter.  I know You know that I do, but that probably doesn't mean You want to hear it.)  I don't think there's much chance of him going though.  That's what I need help with - PLEASE, somehow get him into the University.  Get him moving.  If You won't do that, please break up him and Dana anyway.  PLEASE.  I'm begging this for my best friend, or at least the guy who used to be.  Please help me, please help him, please help his parents who are being driven insane by this.
In Your Holy Name, Amen.

For the sake of the blog... (Warning: strong language)

... I am posting.  Remember that I said I would post at least once every day?  Well, let's see if I can come up with something interesting...
I miss Gavin.  But you're not interested in that, are you?  Too fucking bad.  I keep remembering EVERYTHING about him.  How could he imprint himself on my mind so quickly?  I remember the way he laughs, the way he talks, the way he looks at me, and the way he looks in a hat.  (Baseball cap and beanie.)  I remember the way he would calm me down (which was kinda funny but still sweet) and the way he got mad and the way he kisses - HOLY SHIT do I ever remember the way he kisses - and... yeah.  This is pathetic.  Hey, I can't help it if I have a memory that is amazing and even verges on the photographic (not bragging, it's true), but I don't need to be thinking about this.  I wonder if I ever cross his mind.

The aftermath. (Warning: strong language)

I want to fucking kill someone.  No one in particular.  I don't have it in me right now to hate Gavin.  I don't hate anyone right now, except maybe my grandpa.  If I could wring my own fucking neck, I would.  I've been so stupid.  I don't think I've been this humiliated by myself - ever.  I don't want to listen to music.  I don't want to do anything.  I hate not doing anything though, so I'm kind of half-heartedly pushing myself along.
Okay, yes, I'm also ticked off at Gavin.  He makes excuses for a week and half; saying he's too busy to hang out, then he ignores me for almost a week, then he breaks up with me OVER TEXT.  He says he'll call later that day when he gets off work.  He never calls.  I call him several times.  I text him several times.  I'm in town, so I stop by his house.  Yes, maybe that's a little fucking extreme.  But really?  I can't even get the guy to talk to me.  He isn't saying a word.  I texted him once this morning saying I was sorry for overreacting yesterday, take care, etc.  I meant it then, I meant it now.  I don't hate him.  But whether or not he actually IS a jerk, he ACTED like one.  He was so nice for a few weeks, and then he turned around and was a fucking asshole.  I don't get it.  I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND.  I don't think I ever will.  I'm trying not to care about the whole stupid mess, because it doesn't look like it will get any better.  Everything hurts right now - the fact that I can't seem to make any relationship last, the fact that guys seemingly (if not for real) try to take advantage of me, the stupid floor I've been sleeping on for almost a month.  And I'm tired of pretending I'm fine.  No cure for that though.  Oh well, I've been through worse.  This shouldn't be that difficult.  Crazy's a big girl now.

Stupid stubbornness...

Uggh... I would do a lot NOT to go to Taekwon-Do tonight.  I just want to sit home and veg - watch movies, read Twilight (no, I don't love it OR hate it - I was just tired of hearing all the hype and not knowing what it was about), eat chips and salsa.  Homemade salsa, I might add.  But going on like everything's normal is part of the tough girl image, which I can't seem to let go of.  Just for the record, stubbornness feeds your pride and NOT your happiness or general well-being.

Moving on... (Warning: adult content)

Well, I'll be okay.  Duh.  Yeah, I liked Gavin.  A lot.  And chances are, in a few hours I won't feel so rational.  But hello, I was only with him for a month.  We had sex once, you know?  I don't regret it, necessarily.  In fact, there are times when I wish I could do it again.  (He was good!)  But, like I said, it's over.  Thinking about it too much won't help.  I don't know what went wrong, but I don't really think it was anyone's fault.  We just weren't going to work out; our lives are too separate, although I don't believe, as he says, that we're going in opposite directions.
Last night was weird though.  So, Alex was the guy that Gertrude broke up with over Facebook.  Last night, he texted me, and I ended up going over to his house for a little while.  I told my mom I was going to Gavin's (she didn't know we'd broken up yet) and Alex and I ended up on his couch making out.  Then we moved to his bedroom.  NO, we did not have sex.  I do not know that we'll ever have sex.  But things got intense.  If nothing else, I need the distraction, although, that was probably NOT the best way to get one.
Also, Alex is one of my friends.  I've messed up friendships before by falling in love.  Not that I think that will happen; I just can't see it.  But I don't see any reason to risk it.
BTW, I feel a lot better now.

Yep, no pride right now. (Warning: strong language)

I'm trying to salvage my pride here.  I am an idiot on so many levels.  Things got a little ugly between Gavin and me.  I STILL don't fucking understand.  But, jeez, I have a little pride normally.  Today I didn't.  Not gonna lie, I would give a lot to take back some of what I did today.  I would also give a lot to understand.  I would probably give a little to be back with him.  I really just need to move on now; show the world I'm fine.  I am fine.  I'll be fine.  I feel sick to my stomach, but I'm FINE!
I am so full of shit.
I don't understand what happened; he said he liked me.  He ACTED like it.  And I don't know what the hell is going on now, because he sure wasn't cheating.
Fuck.  I really can't think about this right now or I'll go crazy.

I don't know what to say.

A few minutes ago I was mad as heck, but now it's calmed down and is probably still there, but hiding.  It's mostly been replaced with helplessness.  I don't know what to do.  I went into town, but Gavin wasn't at home.  I thought about calling Isaac and just ranting, but I know he's at work and now I'm not even sure I want to tell anyone.  The only person that knows, surprisingly enough (except for possibly Gavin and Aaron) is my brother Oscar.  He was at home when everyone else left, so he knew I went into town, and when I got back I was so pissed that I told him part of it.  Basically, he knows everything I put on the blog earlier - except for how much I'm fretting over it.  Which is weird, because he is generally the last person (besides my dad) who I would tell things.
I don't even know what to do right now.  We texted for a few minutes this morning.  He said he would call when he got off work.  He didn't.  I know he isn't at work anymore.  The only thing I've heard from him since this morning was a short text when I said I was coming over to house, and if he didn't say anything I would take it as permission.  He texted back and said he wasn't at home.  He didn't say another word after that.  I called him and he didn't pick up; I texted and he didn't reply.  I've got no clue what to do next.  I barely even care now if he changes his mind.  I just want to understand.

I don't understand...

Well, Gavin texted me this morning, and... we're going to talk later.  I don't feel much like talking about it, but I don't get it... he didn't exactly break up with me in so many words, but it was the next closest thing, and somehow (just a wild guess) I think it's gonna happen.  I'm hoping - I can't help it; I always hope - that it'll work out, and I have a rough plan (yup, that's me; I never accept the inevitable), but I don't feel like I should count on it.  I haven't told anyone he texted me.  I don't know why, but I don't like to tell the bad things.  I used to pretend I didn't want people feeling sorry for me, and now I really don't.  Isaac has been asking me if I've heard from Gavin yet, and I've told him no.  I just don't want to talk about it.  And I know for certain that if ANYONE will feel sorry for me and want to talk about it, it will be Isaac.  I can't lie to him forever - I don't like lying to him at all - but sometimes I wish I could.