I'm having traveling itches. I want very much to catch the first plane out of the U.S. and just do something different. I need adventures.

God, I love fear. I need it. I get off on it. Not the absolute terror that freezes you immobile in the corner of the couch, but the frenzied panic that accompanies the last minute homework, the second before jumping off the bridge with only a rope tied 'round your ankles, the chance meeting with the one who still twists up your insides. I shouldn't need this. I can't help it. I'm looking up bungee jumping right now. I wanna go. :D

Whoop, no. Solidly broken.

I think my heart is breaking.

I forgot to mention how happy I am here at home. I feel like me again. Wild and hungry for action, crazy for the thrill of flying past the wheat fields in my truck. Mad for the drunken adventures of the nights when we all have time off, and sometimes even when we don't. Here I am rarely satisfied, and desperately seeking something, the substance of which I don't know. And I love it.

So, I'm not going into details about this, but I feel a little safer doing so now, because Teddy is never going to be able to see this, and James never would, and they are the only ones who know of this blog's existence.
I'm falling for somebody. Somebody who's with somebody else. And it can't end well. And as selfish and horrible as it sounds, I hope it's not me. But two people are going to get hurt no matter what.
But god, the falling feels good.

I have these times lately when all I want to do is talk. I just don't have a lot of people I want to talk to. I don't even know how to feel anymore. Sometimes I try to cry because it seems like it'll be easier, but it never happens unless I don't want it to. I feel like I've lost everything. Or I will. I keep trying to hold it together but it's hard, even in public. And around friends, most of the time I barely have the energy to be okay. I don't know if this is broken... I feel broken. I don't feel like the normal me. Sometimes I feel very me - moving back was the right thing to do - but the normal me is okay. I have always, always been okay. And I feel like if someone looks at me just the right (wrong?) way, or hugs me a little too long, or says something little too true, I will just break down. A friend of mine recently said something about me thinking bottling everything up was cool. I don't. That's not it. But if I let anything go, it's all out there. I can't break only halfway. And I don't think anyone can or wants to be there through that. Maybe I'm not giving my friends enough credit. But right now, I'm tired of being wrong about people. It's stupid and depressing and very immature but I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I'm tired.